do you know your zopa?

gallivanting intr.v. To roam about in search of pleasure or amusement

ZOPA - "Zone of Possible Agreement" – this exists if there is a potential agreement that would benefit both sides more than their individual alternative options do

acrimonious adj. caustic, stinging, or bitter in nature, speech, behavior, etc

Everything can be negotiated – this was the message that was communicated at a work sponsored executive education seminar I attended last year. The seminar, presented by a Harvard Associate Professor, was titled “Win/Win Negotiation and Decision Making.”

The concept of negotiation is a simple one; however it is the execution that determines success. For example, being able to negotiate means identifying what it is you want AND what it is you are willing to settle at. That is the easy part. To negotiate successfully requires an outcome that is a win/win for both parties (your ZOPA) - otherwise all you are is a school yard bully.

Somewhere along the line, I got confused as to what I wanted. Without clearly identifying what I wanted – I could not identify my ZOPA and I let emotion get in the way. In the world of negotiations – there is little room for emotion.

Allow me to self indulge.

I have been employed for 6.5 years. Like I have said in a previous post – I am the sixth oldest employee – I have expectations for myself with this employer and hopefully they of me. But I did the unthinkable – I didn’t follow the yellow brick road to americracy. Instead I decided to take a little detour.

My detour comes in the form of a long-requested 5 month leave of absence. I have been transparent in my request – making my intentions known back in May and officially requesting the leave in August. The only reason I can offer my employer by way of an explanation – is that it has been a difficult year and I need to go on this spiritual journey for myself.

I have had my own ups and downs with this company – to the point where I came very close to the chopping block for being a difficult employee. That was 3 years ago, a lot has changed and the fact that I am still here speaks to that.

I truly believe that I have grown tremendously with this company, both personally and professionally. I feel I have learned more at this job then I probably could have elsewhere – and I continue to learn and grow. But let’s not loose site of the fact that I am still asking for a 5 month leave of absence based on a seemingly whimsical reason. I realize it is a long time but I have proven my worth. This is what I was told:

- I have been a great employer but…
- In light of the acquisition, we don’t know where we’ll be in 5 months so a leave of absence would be difficult (it would take too long to explain why I don’t believe this)
- It would look great on my resume if I stayed till at least till the end of the year because I would be involved in the important integration project – but this did not mean I would be granted a leave of absence (??)
- At this point, it would probably be best to officially terminate
- However, if I were ever interested in coming back – I would still have to go through the interview process (I mean what would that interview be like – employer: so tell me about your last employer and what you did me: uhm well you were my previous boss??)

So that surmises what 6.5 years can get you. That and a company staff meeting with no mention of my fabulous accomplishments and rest assured – they certainly were fabulous. It comes to a crushing and sudden end with an email sent to the top brass; (She)”has been an important and valuable part of our customer delivery and support since March 21, 2000.” That’s 18 words in case you were wondering – about three words per year.

Okay fine, a bit overdramatic – I will give you that. After all it is, sorry was, just a job and I am not owed anything nor should I expect anything. I just made the mistake of making it into something it wasn’t.

As for my own perceived self-worth – I can’t be that far off the mark. I will take the reaction people have shown at my departure, from chiefs to directors to everyday people like me, as a sign of my character and if needed, that can be my own vindication.

I have maintained the position that my leaving is the best answer – even though I have a difficult time understanding why a leave of absence was not granted. Although I admit that I did waver slightly when I found out that earlier this year another employee was granted a two month leave of absence. I can only hypothesize why they granted that leave and not mine – but ultimately it really does not matter. If I had used the foresight I had, and I had plenty, I would have made a better choice 7 months ago.

The bitch of it is that I even had a sign – isn’t that what we are always looking for? My sign came in the form of an email – but I chose to ignore it. The email was eloquently written like only he can write and was not meant for my eyes. The email indicated that while the current circumstances were unfortunate – the project at hand was of utmost importance, it was imperative that it be completed and it was going to be used as a measuring stick for many people including the author of the email.

Bottom line – if I was not able to handle my work while dealing with the terminally ill – then maybe someone else should be the responsible party. After all, personal circumstances have no role to play in this story. So what did I do? While on bereavement leave I chose to work. I mistakenly thought that if I didn’t do it - it would be a poor reflection on my work ethic.

Instead what I did was leave those that mattered the most to fend for themselves in a cold inhospitable hospital - left to their own frail and perilous devices while I wrote business specs, attended company meetings and wasted effort trying to care. I could have done more then just get panic attacks trying to juggle something that was not worth juggling. I should have let the plates come crashing down.

Someone once told me that my relationship with my workplace is very similar to that of an abusive relationship and perhaps on a mental level it is. How did I get to this place where I allowed my employer to have the power to influence my emotions?

If I knew 7 months ago what I know now – I would have left the company then. I would have spent those last few months with those that are no longer here not with those that were only too quick to dismiss my existence. The truth is I have no one to blame – I should known better but I made the wrong choice.

I am not prepared to make another mistake. This journey is my “once in a lifetime” moment. How many other chances will I get in my life to do something that I truly feel I need to do – that I am lucky enough to be able to do. I am not willing to give that up and it is as simple as that. I have only one option – and with that I have defined my ZOPA.

My employer refers to my journey as - gallivanting – another sign that they simply don’t care to understand me and I guess they don’t really have to. By not granting me a leave of absence - my employer has identified their ZOPA.

So what is the end result? I have the opportunity to embark on an adventure that could shape me like no job ever can. This makes the decision very easy, one that is devoid of any emotion – so two weeks ago I officially resigned.

Was this negotiation a success? Did it have a win/win outcome? I have won – that much I am certain of, however in my estimation - my company has lost out on me.

I actually started writing this about a week ago. I have gone through a lot of emotions to get to the end – definitely more then one should have of a job and I’m still working through it. It is simply time for this chapter of my life to be closed.

Don’t think that I am ending this on an acrimonious note – on the contrary, this blog is dedicated to exorcising my demons. Hindsight is 20/20 - I have absolutely no room for anger, resentment or "what if's" – it is what it is and I leave the rest to karma. Consider this a metamorphosis.

americracy anyone?

americracy (unknown) melting down disparate elements to form a new reality

melt v. n. to pass, dwindle, or fade gradually (often fol. by away)

equilibrium n. a state of rest or balance due to the equal action of opposing forces.

lip service n. Verbal expression of agreement or allegiance, unsupported by real conviction or action; hypocritical respect:

“We’ve all been fired.”

Those were the words offered by my co-worker on Tuesday at our hastily called company staff meeting. Of course, he had said it in jest following our CEO’s opening remarks of “today is a very exciting day for us.” Had my co-worker been in the “know” – he would have understood why those four words were followed by a brief, almost subtle, understated yet uncomfortable silence. Our CEO response was a barely audible “some may not find that so funny” and with that he unleashed the worst kept company secret – we had been acquired by one of the largest healthcare players in the U.S. domestic market. That put to rest all of the rumours and innuendos that had been circulating at a heightened pace throughout the morning following the witnessing of the first “walkout.”

The next 15 minutes were dedicated to the virtues of this new conglomerate and if you had been listening to what was being said – I’m sure you would have found them very impressive. However, at that moment every single person who wasn’t part of the executive team was thinking the very same thing – what does this mean for me? No one cared that we could buy stocks at reduced prices, had two extra vacation days or that we all now had a plethora of opportunity (albeit in Minnetonka, MN) – all we wanted to know was - “do I have a job?”

Having caught wind of this news a bit before the big meeting meant that I had time to “digest” it although I had very little idea what it meant for me. I had been hire number 15 when I started working for this company over six years ago – and today I was the 6th oldest employee. All that was about to change because as of October 9th – I was to become employee number 55,006. WOW.

Looking around the room – I knew the fate of others was far worse then mine – and even though the company line was that “we all had jobs” the undeniable question was how much of that was just lip service?

Upon hearing the news, the domestic U.S. sales team literally hung their heads in their hands – minds already calculating which one of their contacts they could call to secure/procure their next employment. The Chief Marketing Office of the domestic sales team tried to keep a poker face but the dejection rang through loud and clear. Our COO made an interesting attempt to sell the fact that he had been thinking of going into early retirement anyway so this was a great opportunity for him to “step down.” In one fell swoop – the lives of about 100 people were changed – perhaps a bit melodramatic but true nonetheless.

From a personal perspective – it comes with mixed emotions – our COO has now “retired”, my director has "parted ways" - so where does that leave the little people within this new Fortune 50 Company? But the reality is, at times like this – there is no place for emotion.

From a business perspective – it’s a brilliant move for our 35 year old CEO who started this business out of his room in a frat house, decided not to finish university and 11 years later had the largest U.S. healthcare company ask him to sell out and he did. The truth is – had you or I been in his shoes – we would have done the same thing.

As I went home that night, I thought back to Tuesday morning when the only decision I was faced with was what shoes should I wear with my business casual attire – the black Reebok trail shoes or my red and white Asics running shoes. I then fast forwarded to the after work drink/gossip/bitch session where aside from hailing the virtues of the acquisition - someone was planning on dry-cleaning their business suits – because you only get one chance to make a first impression with a new boss.

This acquisition is a bit like life and death. If we don’t have life or death or have too much of either one – the pendulum swings too far in one direction and the world as we know it has no balance - the result is that chaos ensues. The business world is no different – it too needs a steady pendulum to maintain equilibrium.

In trying to understand the the happenings of the past few days - I have learned a new word. The word is both a bit ugly and crude - perhaps my issue with it is that it seems to personify the ideologies of Geroge Bush - one that is more concerned with strong arming vs. understanding. Regardless, this new word amptly describes a new world order of balance and it is “americracy.”

If you Google americracy – you won’t find too many results for it. It is a difficult word – one that doesn’t roll off the tongue easily and perhaps that should be indicative of its meaning - melting down disparate elements to form a new reality. Think about that. That is life, death and rebirth all in one and as a result the pendulum remains still and we now have equilibrium once again.

Perhaps I should trade in both my black Reebok trail shoes and my red and white Asics running shoes for a pair of sensible pumps but I’ll leave my corporate suits in the closest and take a chance to see which side of the pendulum I land on.

I’ve been dumped...

dump v. To get rid of; discard

ironic adj. Poignantly contrary to what was expected or intended

Not only have I been dumped but I got dumped by a voicemail. In this day and age – don’t people have a little more tact then to dump someone with whom they’ve shared intimate details with over the damn telephone? Of course the best line of the voicemail was “I want to make sure we don’t leave on bad terms.” There was no remorse, no sadness, no sound of longing for me – nothing…just flat monotone “I’ve really enjoyed your company but…”

Hmmm isn’t it funny how fast life can change? It was only a couple weeks ago – that I was telling you that I was in love and now I’ve been dumped and I find myself asking how can this be possible? Actually it’s quite ironic because over the last month I myself have been contemplating doing the dumping (not over the phone mind you, I have a bit more tact then that) but I guess I was too late and I got beat. Damn it - I wanted to be the dumper not the dumpee (insert the princess stomping her feet here).

Who would have guessed that Dixie Bell would dump me?

How could she do this to me? FTLOG – I paid for her damn services. Apparently it’s because she’s cut her hours to only Monday, Wednesday and Fridays & I only go to her on Thursdays….hmmm likely story….I wonder if she is faking the funk with me.

She invited me to Texas, she invited me to her pink trailer in Wasaga beach (don’t ask), I told her about my uterus – we shared things and just like that she offered me up to someone else….just like that…to someone else…someone named Maria – I mean what kind of name is Maria because I don’t foresee the hills coming alive with her.

This is one of those break-ups where (after the initial shock) the only thing I feel is joy (other then the fact that I wanted to dump her first)….after all Dixie Bell did stand me up 3 out of the last 4 weeks, the sessions have been completely unstructured, she talks a lot, she’s unconventional – but she was Dixie Bell and ultimately I did get results.

So after a few minutes of deep contemplation – I returned her phone call only to fittingly have to leave her a voicemail:

“Hi Dixie Bell, booo that you’re no longer going to be my trainer. It’s unfortunate because I really enjoyed the sessions but I guess you have to do what you have to do. Don’t worry - no hard feelings at all. I guess I can try Maria if you recommend her – but a couple of things:
- I would like to meet her tomorrow at 6:30 pm
- I will not pay for the first session with Maria
- If I don’t like her/training style then I want to be refunded for my 12 unused sessions
- And/or if I decide between now and when I meet Maria that I don’t want a personal trainer, then I want my money back – let me know who I have to talk to - to make that happen
Call me when you get a chance. Bye and have a great day.”

Who said break-ups were hard…it’s all about frame of mind…and just like that I am en route to belonging to another.

i am in love…

love v. to have an intense emotional attachment

epic adj. surpassing the usual or ordinary, particularly in scope or size

psyche v. to put into the right psychological frame of mind

It's been over a month since I've blogged something and that’s really because I just can’t get inspired enough to comment on it – which in itself is quite depressing but if I read one more article on either of these two issues – I might kill myself:

a) Why have there been no sightings of Tomkitten (now that she is a 100+ days old)??? (note: Tomkitten would be the daughter of TomKat…still not with me...you know - the daughter of Tom Cruise & Katie Holmes – sort it out people, although you may be in a better headspace not knowing this)

and

b) Why Madame Tussauds Wax Museum in London would create a wax sculpture of Brangelina’s new baby (this one I’m not going to explain to you...you'll have to Google it)… anyways you can now go the wax museum with your family & have a picture taken with the Brangelina’s (wax) family and $1 will be donated to UNICEF...isn't that fabulous??


Anyhoo I digress - the point is that I'm in love. It's taken me a long time to get here. I can't really say I was looking for it - far from it. In the last four years – I really tried to be open to it and embrace the idea. I have had plenty of opportunity but I guess I was just in denial and funny thing is that when it happened it was love at first sight. It was emotional - it was powerful - it was liberating. When people say that love conquers all - they are 100% right.

There is no more hiding it and I want to share it with everyone.

My love comes in the form of a pair of DKNY, item
# DY 4517 olive coloured hi indexed plastic glasses.

Full stop. Period. That’s my story.

Now I understand that most people don’t/can’t understand the magnitude of this event for me – because to you they are just glasses but to me they are something of epic proportion.

You see I got my first pair of glasses when I was 5 years old just before I headed off to Senior Kindergarten. I didn’t know anyone with glasses, so for a 5-year old – it was a big thing (I’m not sure if you are aware but kids can be mean – even your sweet ones).

Anyways, somewhere deep in the psyche of a 5 year old – it was determined that I had three choices:

1. Not go to Senior Kindergarten
2. Not wear the glasses
3. Go to Senior Kindergarten and wear the glasses

Clearly there were only two viable options and fearing the wrath of my father – I decided it would be in my best interest to go to school…but without glasses.

Off I went to school with Tara (who was my best friend that particular day) – we were both happy because we were in Mr. Turnball’s class (although as a side note – he wrote in my senior kindergarten report card that I have a propensity to talk too much - weird).

Just before we got to school – I took off my glasses and held them in my hand and when no one was looking slowly slid them into the side of my underwear. Yep – my underwear became my eyeglass holder and I actually got through almost 4 months without wearing glasses - albeit being slightly uncomfortable.

Then came parent/teacher night and Dr. Turnball learned that I had glasses – I mean how does that come up in conversation? So the “hiding glasses in underwear” thing stopped fairly quickly after that.

So let’s move onto grade 2 – I was sitting beside Cindy (who was my best friend that particular day) when Shannon (who was never my best friend) – leaned over the desk placed her finger on her nose and pushed it up (in a la pig nose way) and said “piggy piggy four eyes" (think that could never be your sweet little child…you never know what kids do when they are not with you).

Fast forward to grade 8 – when I had no choice but to wear glasses everyday and Salima was my best friend that particular year. I decided I should get myself a pair of stylish “round” blue glasses. However, since by this time my eyesight was fairly bad and lenses were not what they are now (i.e., small/thin) – to the outside world it was if I had huge magnifying glasses on my face.

In grade 11 (when I decided that having a “best friend” was too difficult) - I got the ultra thin frames – but again due to the thick lense issue - ¾ of the lense stuck out of the frame.

So after 26 years – I’ve finally come into myself. I am in love with my glasses. I am in love with the fact that I look fabulous in them.

I have finally gotten past years of trauma, drama and general anguish and it is amazing. Of course in retrospect - it seems silly that I had given so much power to an accessory and now I am in love with the power that I have given myself. And I want more. Like lululemon says – do one thing that scares you. I have.

So next time you see me and I am wearing my DKNY item # DY 4517 olive coloured hi indexed plastic glasses - stop and comment. Good or bad - I can take it. I have purged the psyche of that 5 year old. I am not scared.

...have I told you that I’m in love?

why fake the funk?

friend n. a person whom one knows, likes, and trusts.

acquaintance n. knowledge of a person acquired by a relationship less intimate than friendship.

fake adj. having a false or misleading appearance; fraudulent.

funk n. a cowardly, fearful person.

…we quit jobs, we break-up with boring/dull/life draining boyfriends, we trade in our old cars for something new – we make all of these clean breaks but do we ever get rid of energy sucking “friends?”

No we probably don’t and in all likelihood it is only because we’re just too damn nice. Who really wants to be responsible for hurting someone else’s feelings? Therefore it is better just to fake the funk then be real – after all we know karma is a bitch.

The question remains - why be friends – if you’re truly not friends. No one wants to be told they are not friend material – but in a world of 6,625,619,734 people (as of 12:42am on 6/20/06)– there are going to be people you don’t like and those that don’t like you – so deal with it.

Don’t look so appalled at the suggestion – because I know you feel me. We should be able to get rid of those friends, who when we see approaching make us groan inwardly. We try not to make eye contact in hopes of appearing invisible but when the realization hits that there is no way out – we’d rather plaster a smile on our face, appear wide eyed (because this “look” makes it seem like we’re more interested) – take a deep breath and say, Hi, how are you?” – when clearly we don’t care.

I once told my friend Christine that one of her friend’s was a “whatever” to me - meaning that I had no real opinion of her. I neither liked her nor disliked her…she was literally a whatever with no real effect in/on my life (harsh?...perhaps. Although has anybody read The Five People you Meet in Heaven because clearly I could be wrong). In any case, Christine decided to tell her friend about my “thoughts” and the friend was offended! Of course she was – we as a society are trained to be offended at this politically incorrect behaviour.

People who know me know that I say “I have enough friends, I don’t need anymore” – and it’s true. I’m not trying to be rude or mean – but just because you share one common interest with me doesn’t mean we have to be bosom buddies. I have my circle of well thought out friends – and I don’t need to dilute that with random riff raff (don’t take that personally – key word is random).

Maybe the problem is that there are so many different types of friends and to categorize them and then to further remember which category they fall in – is just too much work. Where do we draw the line between friend, acquaintance or simply rare encounter - and more importantly how do we explain that to the other party.

Work “friends” always pose a problem - just because you spend 8 hrs/day with Dianne doesn’t mean you have to be friends. Or just because you know Dianne drinks Double Ristretto Venti Nonfat Organic Chocolate Brownie Frappuccino Extra Hot with Foam and Whipped Cream Upside Down Double Blended – doesn’t mean you really know her.

The work thing does get tricky when you chug down a Cosmo or 12 with her and somehow you’ve now become inseparable. Honestly if it is only the vodka, triple sec, lime juice & cranberry juice that’s holding the two of you together – then take her for what she is – a fabulous drinking partner but not necessarily a friend.

We then have those people that think they are your friends after repeated failed attempts (on your part) to enlighten them otherwise – but all you get in return is “oh you’re so funny.”

Let’s not forget those people that are friends of friends and assume you are ALL friends.

Or those friends who have been around since grade four and even though you have zero in common – you still find yourself getting together while playing musical houses for monthly potluck night.

Last but not least, and this one is a bit tricky and requires strength, there are those people who can’t decide if they are your friend or not - when it suits them they talk to you and when it doesn’t they don’t. These are people I absolutely have no time for – you either are or you’re not – sort it out. Besides at the end of the day he doesn’t want either one of us – so don’t fake the funk with me.

FTLOG (that’s for the love of god for those that are new)

It is an unfortunate reality – but the “friends” we don’t want to keep often languish a slow death…we don’t quite get rid of them but instead hope they will just fade away. Wouldn’t it just be easier to go in for the kill in one fell swoop? Or better yet - just not be friends in the first place?

We have all these rules that govern our lives but there is no flashing neon sign warning us of the dangers of have friends that we have no interest in or worse yet no longer have any interest in? The dangers of these friends, who when they speak – you wish they just wouldn’t.

When is it okay to stop faking the funk? Or is the answer never?

Kahlil Gibran, The Prophet, Friendship (1923)

holy reinvention! batwoman’s gay…

Section A, Page 28, The Toronto Star, June 1, 2006

holy adj. Belonging to, derived from, or associated with a divine power; sacred

reinvention - reinvention was not found

lipstick lesbian - a slag term for a feminine homosexual woman who is attracted to another feminine woman, rather than a lesbian who is attracted to a more masculine woman

sensationalism n. The use of sensational matter or methods, especially in writing, journalism, or politics the journalistic use of subject matter that appeals to vulgar tastes; "the tabloids relied on sensationalism to maintain their circulation"

diversification v. To give variety to

Thankfully I can’t take credit for this headline. In fact the front page of the Toronto Star may have stated it even more eloquently, “Years after she first emerged from the Batcave, Batwoman is coming out of the closest”

Seriously.

I’ll be honest – I don’t know anything about Batwoman so I decided to wiki it and let me share with you what I have learned about Batwoman:

- she’s a crime fighter
- she is Batman’s female counterpart
- she carries a utility purse instead of a utility belt
- she’s has a niece named Bat-Girl
- there’s an imp named Bat-Mite in the Kingdom (this is where I lost interest) BUT
- she used to have a thing for Batman

…and now she is gay.

According to the Executive Editor of DC Comics, Dan DiDio, “This is not just about having a gay character…we’re trying for overall diversification in the DC universe. We have strong African American, Hispanic and Asian characters . We’re trying to get better cross-section of our readership and the world.”

I guess the light went off for someone somewhere and they decided OMGB we’ve left the gay contingent behind. If we quick create one in a superhero format – the world can be saved. And maybe it will – there must have been some market research done indicating that by making Batwoman gay we could save The Kingdom…Planet Krypton…or where ever it is she resides.

Do we even need to ponder the question of who is the gay representative of male superheroes? Is the world ready for Batman and Robin to come out of the closet? And let’s be realistic – what would sell better then a lesbian superhero? Clearly she is going to need a playmate and presto – just like that - we have two gay (female) superheroes. What’s better then two lesbian superheroes in tight fitting cat suits making out with each other? Just visualize.

So what is this really about? When DiDio states that Batwoman is not only gay but – she is of the lipstick lesbian variety of gay – are we not moving away from diversification and into sensationalism?

Is the reinvention of Batwoman about being gay or is it about being a strong ass kickin’ female superhero that can wear a cat suit and still carry a purse - who just happens to be gay? Because if it is the latter of the two - would it even make the front section of The Toronto Star much less the front page?

Why did Brokeback Mountain create such a fervor? Was it because this was a beautiful love story as described Ang Lee? Or was it because people saw it as a “breakthrough, “ as the 1st portrayal of gay cowboys on the big screen? Be honest.

How about this random thought – if you want to diversify and get a better “cross-section” of readership why not make your female superhero weigh 200 lbs – given the obesity issue these days – this would surely get a larger audience.

But the real question comes down to - can you put a 200lbs female superhero in a cat suit and still make the front page of The Toronto Star?

…and more importantly what would the headline read…“Years after she first emerged from the Batcave, Batwoman's stuck?”

do you have a uterus?...

uterus n. An organ in female mammals for containing and usually for nourishing the young during development previous to birth that consists of a greatly modified and enlarged section of an oviduct or of the two oviducts united, that has thick walls consisting of an external serous coat, a very thick muscular coat of smooth muscle, and a mucous coat containing numerous glands, and that during pregnancy undergoes great increase in size and change in the condition of its walls called also womb (hmmm was that a bit much??)

obsequious adj. Full of or exhibiting servile compliance; fawning.

..."do you have a uterus?" was the 2nd question asked by my new personal trainer – sandwiched somewhere in between “Do you have a few minutes to chat?” and “Did you eat before you came here?”

For those that know me – I think we can agree that I’m generally a confident/strong individual…but “do you have a uterus?” had a strange effect in me…I had to think…do I in fact have a uterus? and more importantly is answering “yes” the right answer.

The problem (other then the question itself) was that I had no time to think…she just kept on firing questions…

- do you have implants
- have you had children
- are you on birth control
- do you have “gas” problems (???)

I was unable to make eye contact and had a thousand thoughts going through my head as I tried to figure out in the .05 seconds between questions what exactly I was doing here and why all of the sudden I felt like I was 12 years old doing this repetitive head nodding/motion/twitch “thing” every time she said something. I found myself astonishingly obsequious to this former professional wrestler with 15 years experience named Dixie Bell.

Don’t you just love it – Dixie Bell. Say it with me “Dixie Bell” - “Dixie Bell” - “Dixie Bell”

Let’s be honest - half the reason I chose her was because of her name. And she is fabulous. In 65 minutes…I found my gym soul mate…and let me tell you that is not an easy thing to do…as a side note – the last trainer I had was about 4 years ago – and he was more interested in the booty’s available at the gym as opposed to making mine à la J. Lo.

So I guess the moral of this story is:

a) do not judge a person by their name (this is to all you Dixie Bell’s, Chastity’s, Charity’s and Englebert Humperdink’s out there)

and

b) you really should know if you have a uterus or not…

ode to the runners...

Marathon n. any long and arduous undertaking; a footrace of 26 miles 385 yards; a battle in 490 BC in which the Athenians and their allies defeated the Persians

Half-marathon – the thing that marathoners call a jog

Conviction n: an unshakable belief in something without need for proof or evidence

“Most people, maybe 80 percent of people, aren’t physically designed to undertake such a task (marathon). It’s more than (just) 26 miles of repeated stress, which is brutal."

http://www.bu.edu/phpbin/news-cms/news/?dept=4&id=38606&template=4

..to the above statement i say "bite - me"...this is homage to ANYONE that has attempted to run a marathon and I’ll further extend it to anyone that has attempted to run half of a marathon. This is not for any walkers or for anyone that bikes, roller blades, skips or even races 10 km. You can’t give respect in the same way – I don’t care what you say.

This is for those that spent the last five months pounding the pavement in the cold winter and the so-so spring weather only to be greeted with crazy, harsh winds (who knows where the hell they came from). This is for those that had to contend with bleeding nipples or chafing in other lovely places, or had the wrong shoes, the wrong shirt or those pesky shorts that kept creeping up. Those who endured knee pains, hip pains, and any/all pains. Those who gave up smoking, gave up red meat, and gave up all that used to be fun.

This is for those that have voluntarily entered the cultdom.

Let’s face it – the majority of the population can’t get off the couch because we might miss the pivotal moment in Prison Break (clearly he and his cronies will be breaking out of prison…hence the name of the show) much less log in 35 – 100km of running/week for nothing more then personal glory.

And that’s what running is…personal – it’s euphoric…and let’s be honest…you get bragging rights.

I’ve generally been on the side of the runners (as a half marathoner) but this time I was a spectator and it was a crazy place to be and I speak for all my riff raff spectators…craning our necks, praying to all of the gods, getting nauseous as the clock ticks closer to that pivotal time and shouting in jubilation when one of our own came into sight. It was if we were running the race (clearly we’re not…it’s just a cliché...runners don’t get upset).

This is the first time that for a race of this magnitude I was a spectator and I wish I wasn’t…I wish I had had the dedication to be a part of it – b/c it is an elite crowd and damn it I want back in.

Take solace in what you done…what you’ve accomplished…and if you want to wallow in your defeat do it b/c you can…or bask in your glory…either way – we all know the truth…you'll be back for more…

now ode to my riffraff…
* Brother of Tapio (18/102) – arms raised…need we say more
* BF #2 (65/149) – hmmm results could be indicative of overexcitement re: what I promised next year…Teen where’s my $100…
* Roxybaker (29/90)– don’t shed another tear – it’ll happen and besides you can run w/ the boys baby…that’s something on its own...
* Eduardo (23/53) – the consummate gentleman...outwardly smiling without a hair out of place...inwardly…does anyone know??
* BF #1 (56/111)– better then sex eh? Let’s go another round…
* Neil – (149/288) - 17 minutes baby...
* Dave – (188/288) – back on the plan? 21.1…30…42.2...
* LAD – (389/463) - you did it on your own…have faith.

open letter #2…

Cruel adj: lacking or showing kindness or compassion or mercy

Unfathomable adj. Difficult or impossible to understand

Sincere adj. Not feigned or affected

...yet another letter sent
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------
May 16, 2006

XXXX XXXXX
Public Works & Government Services Canada
Superannuation, Pension Transition and Client Services Sector
Shediac, NB

RE: Death Benefit Claim Form
Pension Number XXXXXX

XXXX XXXXX,

I received the required death benefit claim form, along with your personalized letter.

I would like say that it was very nice of you to have taken the time to personalize your cover letter, but my father died in 1985 and your sympathies however sincere are a bit late. In addition he never worked for the government or received any pension from the Superannuation Department.

What would have been appreciated in this difficult period was if you had taken the time to verify the gender of the deceased. I assume in this case your condolences are meant for the death of my mother who was employed by the government for 35+ years.

While I understand that personally knowing my mother by anything other then her 6 digit ID number would be beyond reason - I have to believe that the gender of a former employee would be information on file.

I find it unfathomable that a simple piece of information, such as gender can be misrepresentation in a letter as devastating as this. This not only trivializes the death of a loved one but also gravely upsets those that have been left behind.

What I would like to suggest for the future is that if you do not have the time to research the details for a particular case, then either do not offer your condolences or leave it generic.

Should you have any questions or require any further information, please do not hesitate to contact me at the address listed below.

Given that this is the second such letter I have had to write - I would rather that you/your office not respond to this letter by indicating that due to the high volume of claims that you/your office handle it was an oversight.

I look forward to hearing from you.

Sincerely,
XXXXX (Miss.)

cc. MGR

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

...is this really happening?

follow up to open letter...

too much to ask for….

Customer Service…the provision of labour and other resources, for the purpose of increasing the value that buyers receive from their purchases and from the processes leading up to the purchase..

I am exasperated.
I am indignant.
I am incensed.
I am just irritated.

Why is it that 7 out of 10 times – the only way I receive good customer service is if I complain?

I work in a service industry and have spent the last 6 years servicing others – so yes I do know what good customer service is and I know what level of service that I deserve.

It really is such a simple concept – but all too often it is not achieved.

Has the norm become that we should just NOT expect good customer service? If I am buying a service - I want some value created for me – not only in the product/service that I am purchasing but in the customer service that I am receiving. In today’s competitive world – you can differentiate on price – but if you can differentiate on customer service – people will find value even if the price is higher.

Again, such a simple concept…so why is it that in a 24 hour period - the only way that I’ve received any service is to complain? Has the mind-set changed from increasing value to simply providing no value? Is it good enough in today’s marketplace just to come into work?

If I go into a store I expect a pleasant person standing there saying hello and looking like this job is the best damn job that she/he has ever had with a smile on their face. You have a choice and you’ve chosen to do this job – you’ve been hired to do this job - so just do it. Provide service…provide value…sell me.

Why is it that the best service I have received in the last 2 weeks is from Zellars and Direct Protect? (if anyone is looking to change their auto/home insurance…let me know I’ll give you the name/number of a fabulous service oriented person – I found a savings of $525 with Direct Protect).

Somewhere along the way, ½ the people have forgotten what service means and subsequently how to provide it and the other ½ have forgotten that service should be fundamental in any business.

But who wants to complain to get better service? The amount of time wasted on complaining just may not be worth it. But how will it get better if we don’t complain? Or am I just wasting my time?

I’m sure people will say that I'm blowing things out of proportion and that I just want to bitch and complain but watch out…because I will complain….I will push for a higher level service.

I’m not asking for anything that I don’t deserve.
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

For those that care to read…here’s my recount of a 24-hour period and my service experience – or lack there of.

May 1, 2006
Laser Hair Removal Clinic
…a girl just wants to know if the clinic does Microdermabrasion. Clearly I should have known better but I took a chance and thought why not ask because I’m in the area and you just never know. So in I went - only to be greeted by a very unpleasant & rude woman who didn’t once stop what she was doing to even make eye contact with me during the following conversation:

Me: hi, do you have a service list?
Unpleasant rude woman: what do you want? (in a monotone & uninterested voice as only an unpleasant & rude person can do so well)
Me: I want to know if you do micodermabrasion?
Unpleasant rude woman: no (without looking up and mumbling under her breath)
Me: thanks very much for your help – you’ve been most helpful (in my most sarcastic voice possible, which I have succeeded in perfecting)

This woman is the first person that people see. She is the one who can sell you a service or in my case turn you away – yet she clearly had no concept of what customer service was…is there any good explanation for this kind of wretched front desk help?

May 1, 2006
Pita Pit
A young woman is working the counter and states “mumblecanmumbleimumblehelpmumbleyou?”

Need I say more? What is wrong with our youth – do you know how to have a conversation? Do you know how to make eye contact? Do you know how to articulate a simple thought? Do you know how to service? How to extend some notion of respect?

She has chosen to work at the Pita Pit – again by choice….but she is too busy sucking face with her boyfriend who she has sneaked in behind the counter…oh wait he works there (I think)…I mean he is cooking the chicken (although I don’t suppose that means he’s actually an employee, maybe the girl is too tired from sucking face so he had to flip the chicken) …and damn it I want a bag for my take-out pita….service baby service…

May 1, 2006
Hudson Group – hotel booking company for the upcoming ING Ottawa Marathon Weekend

I initially booked a hotel in Ottawa with the Hudson Group (HG) back in January for a suite at the Cartier. At that time, the rep told me that she would email me the hotel room confirmation. I emailed her over and over again in January/February asking her for the email confirmation – to which she kept replying its coming.

Finally on February 8, 2006 she replied stating that I had no room because she had “miscalculated the number of rooms”?????? Isn’t her sole job to book rooms? I asked her when exactly did she miscalculate – could it be that she miscalculated every time she told me that my email confirmation was en route? She didn’t even have the courtesy to apologize.

At that point I forwarded her the emails she had sent to me indicating that the “email confirmation” was on its way (for the now miscalculated rooms). Perhaps it was when she saw that I had this in writing that she thought maybe she had “miscalculated” with her initial “I don’t care attitude” and offered an apology and was ever so helpful in finding alternative arrangements.

Email from the rep at the HG re: alternative arrangements
“There are Superior bedroom available at the Cartier Place. This is a rate of $104.00 per night and you can have either 2 double beds or a queen bed with a pull out couch in the living room. This room also has kitchenette facilities.”

My email response back to her.
“the reason for a 2bdroom suite was to accommodate 5 people; clearly the superior room will not do that. If I were to book the superior room, I would need two and this would mean an additional $192 + taxes. Will I receive 2 superior rooms for the price of the 2bdrm suite?”

Email from the rep at the HG (which I might add was quite clever)
“The Minto Suite is a very nice hotel and they have a 2 bedroom superior available @ $215.00 per night. The suite has two bedroom and two bathrooms and full kitchens.”

So I suppose the rep miscalculated again that when I said $192 was too much money, I would somehow be willing to pay $215??

Final email from rep at HG:
“So when I get a room for the Cartier open I will defiantly let you know.”

Fast forward to May 2, 2006 – I email the rep at the HG to see if a room has come available…to which a different rep responds back stating no, nor should I expect one since they are pretty full.

My email response back to her.
“Thanks for the quick reply - that's unfortunate since I had received an email from XXXX indicating that she would be sending me a confirmation because we had the suite at the Cartier only to be told later that I didn't and then I was told that it was possible that I could get a room closer to race date.

To be honest, this has not been a good experience with the Hudson Group. Once I confirm a few with the Elgin I will send another email canceling my room…”

Email from the new HG rep:
“Other options have opened up. Please call me to discuss.”

Are you kidding me? New options have opened up…how fascinating…how fabulous...just fabulous…

May 2, 2006
Meloche Mennox (MM)

My car insurance policy is up for renewal. So I did a little investigating and found a cheaper insurance with Direct Protect.

The following is a conversation with MM on 4/20/06:

Me: please cancel my insurance
CSR: can I ask why?
Me: I have found cheaper insurance
CSR: well let me have a look (this by the way is the second time I’ve called MM. I called them the week before to see if they could match the price quoted by Direct Protect – to which they said no)
CSR: where do you live?
Me: p-town
CSR: hmmm have you ever lived in GTA, Markham or Peel
Me: no, why?
CRS: because the territory that the quote is based on is incorrect (he then fixes the territory)
CSR: your new correct rate is $1430 (vs. $1720) based on the correct territory
ME: PARDON??

..as it turns out MM has been charging me as if lived in the GTA, Markham, or Peel territory instead of p-town...which means I’ve been paying approximately $300 more per year.

The following is a conversation with MM on 4/24/06:

Me: when did this territory mix-up happen? And has it been like this for the previous two years?
CSR: no, someone was recently updating your info and they must have changed it
Me: are you sure it wasn’t the wrong territory for the previous years?
CSR: no
CSR: actually - your new rate is $1239
Me: how?
CSR: well since you cancelled your policy, it brings you back as a “new customer” (I faxed over my cancellation request on 4/20/06, only 4 days before)
Me: so loyalty plays no role in this…a new customer gets charged $1239 but a 3 year-old customer gets charged $1400?
Me: Supervisor please.

Well when I get home from work that night…do I not find the previous policies - both with the incorrect territory on it (and yes I should have checked them…but is that really the point here?)

I then leave three messages for the Team Leader spanning form 4/24/06 to 5/2/06. On 5/2/06 – I decide I have had enough of this and call the Team Leader’s Manager and leave her a message….well guess who I got a call from that night…yep Mr. Team Leader who apparently (conveniently) never received my previous two messages (insert angelic, confused, how can this be look…think Jessica Simpson)…but what does that matter im just so darn happy someone called me from the big bad insurance company.

He asks what is the issue - let him know:
1. I want my money back b/c I was charged based on the incorrect territory as confirmed by your CSR
2. I want to know why if I decide to go back to MM that my rate becomes $1430 vs. $1239…loyalty to MM means what??

Team Leader – will get back to me by the end of the week.

May 2, 2006
Chiropractor Visit
So while I was driving to my chiropractor appointment for 7:15pm – I was brooding about the insurance company and thinking of all the ways I’m going to retaliate if they don’t get give me back my money…my blood pressure is on the rise.

I show up on time and the receptionist states: have a seat…I do…for 15 minutes…at which point my blood pressure has skyrocketed…I ask the receptionist how much longer and she says – well he’s got two patients inside so another 10 minutes. Another 10 minutes means that I will now be waiting for 25 minutes.

I tell the receptionist that I have another appointment and I can’t wait – she then asks if I will be calling back for an appointment…to which I reply “no”

So I have an all important question….why do we continue to wait hours to see MD’s? My time is just as important as their time? If you have given me an appointment then you need to see me at that time not 15 minutes later.

30 minutes late, the MD calls me himself (bonus points for this)…and states sorry etc etc…I ask him – why would I wait b/c again my time is important and this is the 3rd time this has happened. He infers he didn’t know about the other two times. He offers to give me the next appointment me for free. So only b/c I complained about this 3rd visit – am I getting a free visit…so again – I had to bring it to his attention to get some recourse. Shouldn’t MD’s know that if the person has a 7:15pm appointment and it’s now 7:30pm that they are clearly late or must I also play the role of the receptionist and bring it to his attention?

I also told him it wasn’t about the money - I will pay the money for a service that I am receiving but I want to receive that damn service when I have an appointment not 25 minutes later.

So needless to say - the last 24 hours have been grating on my nerves.

I am exasperated.

open letter...

Effort n. earnest and conscientious activity intended to do or accomplish something

Pride (in your work) n. Pleasure or satisfaction taken in an achievement

Consideration n. Thoughtful concern for others; solicitude

Expectations n. A standard of conduct or performance expected by or of somebody

The following is a letter that i sent out to an insurance company...

This is a letter i unfortunately had to send...
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

April 10, 2006

XXXX XXXXX
Coughlin & Associates Ltd.,
Ottawa, ON K1S

RE: Group Life Insurance
PlanCertificate: XXXXXXXX

Ms. XXXXX,

Per our conversation, I received the required death claim forms, along with your personalized letter.

I would like say that it was very nice of you to have taken the time to personalize your cover letter and offer your sincerest sympathy, however you may want to verify the details of the deceased prior to sending the letter.

In this case, your personalized letter stated “We regret to hear of the death of your father…” as much as your condolences are appreciated, what would have been even more appreciated in this difficult time was if you had taken the time to verify the gender of the deceased.

In this case, the deceased is female, making her my mother not father. I believe the gender of an insured life is a vital question when applying for life insurance and you would have that information on file.

If you don’t have the time to research the details for a particular case, then I suggest you either not offer your condolences or leave it generic so in the future you will not upset those that have been left behind, as well as trivialize the death of a loved one.

Should you have any questions, please do not hesitate to contact me at the address listed below.

Sincerely,
XXXXX (Miss.)

cc. MGR
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

...clearly my expectations were to high.

the freedom of choice....

Cancer n. Any of various malignant neoplasms characterized by the proliferation of anaplastic cells that tend to invade surrounding tissue and metastasize to new body sites.

Re•search n. Scholarly or scientific investigation or inquiry

Cure n. Restoration of health; recovery from disease

Propagandist n : A person who disseminates messages calculated to assist some cause

Proliferation v. To increase or spread at a rapid rate

Choice n. The power, right, or liberty to choose

My company is entering a Relay for Life team to raise money for cancer research. They want employees to participate and I was asked by several colleagues what I was going to do…would I run, just raise money etc. The assumption was that I, of course, would do something. Why is it that people assume that I will be doing something.

Do we as a society feel we NEED to donate to the cancer society b/c the propagandists say so…b/c that’s the cause du jour… b/c – jeez, uhmm, why?? B/c we all want to wear the pink ribbon...b/c it may help…b/c both my parents had cancer? Yes I’m a cynic and I think we might possibly, I know this will be a stretch for some, but we might just be part of a systematic proliferation of a doctrine. Given a choice, how many people will donate to the black ribbon campaign vs. the pink ribbon campaign. Oh sorry – you don’t know what the black ribbon campaign is…it’s not one of the 45 plastic bracelets you are wearing? Shhh FYI – the black ribbon is for Melanoma (alterative colour is orange), mourning, primary bilary cirrhosis and/or gang prevention – your choice. Aren’t we democratic?

In any case - my response to my colleagues has been that “I don’t want to” (gasp). I just don’t want to and it’s as simple as that. They looked at me with disbelief – at which point I told them I had to go have a smoke and left irritated b/c I had to explain why I don’t want to donate to a cause that I choose not to (btw – I am now 7 days smoke-free).

I understand that 2 in 5 people will get cancer. I understand that I could be one of those 2 people who will get cancer. I understand that over the next 20 years, new cancer cases will increase by 60%. What I also understand is that there is no cure. I understand that in the last fiscal year $155M was donated to the Canadian Cancer Society. I understand that $44M was directed to fund “excellent research”. I understand that $44M of $155M is 28%. I understand that there is no cure.

I know I know advancements have been made, people can live longer who previously would have died, greater care is apparently available and this is all great…but have YOU lived with cancer to really know how great this is or are you part of the population that assumes living longer w/ cancer is a better alternative to quickly dying…cure the damn thing...isn’t cancer just bad cells multiplying? We can travel to space, we have unraveled the human gene sequence), women can give birth in their 60’s to healthy babies…but we can’t cure the big C.

About 2 years ago, I had a friend say this very same thing to me – that she wasn’t going to donate b/c after all of the donations why haven’t they found a cure. I was mortified that I actually knew someone that would think like this…but now I’m not so sure she is wrong.

I wonder if it is so far out of the realm of possibility to imagine why there is no cure…is it so hard to believe that if they found a cure…well then who would donate to the cause?

If you do give to the cause – good for you…and I’ll pray to all of the gods that you never need to benefit from your donation…but remember just because it’s your choice don’t assume it’s mine.

my body is a temple...

...and therefore I need to worship it. I need to eliminate those pesky refined sugars, simple carbs and processed foods. I need to embrace cauliflower, organic chicken and become a granola girl. I need to sell my stock in Burger King, denounce alcohol and join the movement, which of course means I have to detox.

1de·tox
Pronunciation: (')dE-'täks
Function: noun
often attributive : detoxification from an intoxicating or addictive substance

Well lets be honest, there are a number of substances that I can choose to detox from…and I’ve decided to detox all of them out of my system. I head over to my favourite health food store (yes favourite is a strong word when it comes to health food stores). Anyhoo, to find the answers to all my unanswered questions - I head over to Carrot Common (http://www.carrotcommon.com/history.html) on the Danforth b/c of course there is nothing in the 905 area. I ask the woman what she would recommend - she hands me a 12-day detox kit. 12 days???? I ask for something in the 3 day range and she masks her impatience quite well and tells me that 12 days is better then 3 b/c it’s not a shock to the system and easier to make it a habit vs. just a detox etc etc – I’m sold…hey I’m just a lamb in a wolf’s shop what do I know - I pay the $34.99 for the Wild Rose Detox Kit and off I go.

The next dilemma is when do I start. If I start the detox immediately – the last day of the detox will be one day b/f my birthday. But it seems a little silly to detox for 12 days and immediately partake in beverages (wooohooo I’m 25% closer to being a granola girl). So I decide to start on January 30th, besides this gives me a few weeks to plan and get mentally prepared for the event and yes it is going to be an event.

So I study the information in the kit for days and ponder what I am going to buy, cook, and eat. I research info on the web; e.g., the kit says I can eat all the millet I want. Well let’s be honest, I’m Indian – I don’t know what millet is, what to do with it or where to find it. In any case – the whole detox thing doesn’t sound so bad - it seems like I can eat quite few things b/c what I didn’t want was the food list to be restricted to lettuce soup. Anyways - I sort out a menu for the first three days and off I go to places I’ve never been before…I’m stocked up on veggies, domestic fruit (no international fruit), fish, millet, tofu etc. I’m now 50% closer to being a granola girl. Aside from the “right” food - I have three different types of herbal supplements to take: cleansherb (who knows what exactly this is), herbal laxative (I think we get it), bile stimulant capsule, and CL herbal extract that I put in water. I have to do take all of this before breakfast and before dinner. Still seems easy enough.

So the day comes and I’m ready – the first two days go well, and then I hit a snag on day 3….I hate my lunch, I HATE THE FOOD. Boooooooooooooooooo I want my Thai food, the pita pit, ohh a banana. I mean what am I doing taking something to stimulate my bile flow. Plus – I’m still waiting for the light to go off…something to tell me that I’m 10% detoxed, I’m 20% detox, today is day 5 and I should be 42% detoxed but I feel no different. Excuse me? Someone, anyone…what exactly is the point?

Isn’t life short enough, and do I really want to be prolonging my life by eating well and living to 94? I’m into reincarnation - I have another life waiting for me out there so I don’t need to/want to live until im 94.

All these 5 days have reinforced is that I am not interested in being a granola girl, w/ good cholesterol, stable blood pressure, healthy BMI or is it waist circumference (last year my MD went by BMI, but this year he went w/ waist circumference…I guess it’s the new trend…you know – what yoga was 12 years ago)….I’ve started this detox thing – so I’ll finish it…February 10th is the last day of this detox and for that I will be grateful.

So take that granola people – my body is my temple and I’ll pray to whatever gods I want, preferably the high glycemic, chocolate loving, alcohol swigging variety of gods – b/c I can.

My body is my temple…not a temple…MY temple.

random rant...

to rant (n):
Violent or extravagant speech or writing.
A speech or piece of writing that incites anger or violence:

This isn’t what I was originally going to post…however I just couldn’t help but rant re: James Frey…but don’t worry I’m not violent. You all must have heard about the controversy? It was actually on the FRONT page of the Toronto Star last Friday…front page? I suppose if I had to make a choice of what should appear on the front page – I’d grudgingly choose Oprah over another story about the Boxing Day shooting.

So to recap for those who do not have cable, have no access to the this thing called the worldwide web and may even predate newspapers: late last year, our beloved Oprah chose James Frey’s “A Million Little Pieces” to represent the Oprah Book Club. Frey, a former alcoholic and drug addict, wrote a memoir and it is his heart wrenching, mesmerizing, riveting, provocative, gripping, willpower infused road to recovery story that had millions captivated.

Okay so that’s a little over the top but what else do you expect when Oprah voices her opinion - good or bad. For example,

Good – With Oprah’s backing, Frey’s book went from being a good read to something of epic proportion rising to the top of the non-fiction best seller list.

Bad – Remember the Hermes incident - the store that was condemned by Oprah b/c it doesn’t allow po’ black people in?? Oh I’m sorry, what happened was that it didn’t let Oprah Winfrey in or was it all black people or just all po’ people…I’m so confused.

Anyhoo I digress…it was this same book that has now led to Frey’s tumultuous downfall. Apparently overlooked by the editor, publisher, lawyer and pretty much everyone else including Oprah’s producers were a few embellishments made by Frey…okay okay a few alterations…grrr a few ideas that were voiced in a different way…okay damn it – I’ll say it (deep breath)…they were LIES (I’m so ashamed).

So what – he lied. He embellished in his book; he wrote that Lily died by hanging herself but in reality she cut her wrists. He said he spent 87 days in jail but it was only a few hours – [insert gasp]…say it aint so. Let’s not forget about the Novocain…did he or did he not have Novocain while having two root canals? Or was it one root canal? Well with the audience gasping in despair – it seemed apparent our hero to zero had lied in the book.

I suppose that if you’re the type to find solace in books…then you may very well be offended and demand a refund of $11.99 + GST and PST (on a positive note, at least that pesky GST will be going away shortly).

At the beginning of this whole hoopla, even Oprah did not think it was a big issue and she went on Larry King Live to say that she still supported the book because the “essence” of the book was true and given this truth we can all overlook the slight embellishments b/c he is still a hero to millions.

Well within a week she had a change of heart – maybe HARPO stocks had plummeted in value. She went from believing in the “essence’ of the book to stating that her mind was ”clouded” by the positive emails that she had been receiving from readers saying that Frey’s book had essentially saved them…hallelujah praise the lord. What a minute…Oprah clouded? Weird. Doesn’t she have anti-clouding personnel on her staff? Well, from clouded she became 3D (disappointed, disgusted, and duped (my personal all time favourite)).. and Oprah 3D can only mean one thing…

…the darhlin’ of TV sitting righteously, hand on hips, lips puckered, looking at Frey with utmost disdain, seething with anger (with being duped of course) eyes full of condemnation demanding Frey to say he lied….

Oh oh oh wait – I almost forget the sanctimonious video inserts where a number of well known journalists stated that how wonderful Oprah was. How “big” of her to admit a mistake in front of billions…to say that she was wrong with initially supporting Frey. FTLOG. As for Frey, he was called everything from a liar to cheat to having a boney ass (although how that has any journalistic cred is beyond me).

Talk about hero to zero in seconds – that’s the power of Oprah. 40% of this democratic country can’t get off their asses to vote but we sure like Oprah. And now Frey is in his basement glued to his crack pipe.

In the whole scheme of things – this is all very easy for me to say…after all I’m not a drug addict or an alcoholic nor do I really turn to books for answers to life. But I’ve got the luxury that half the world doesn’t listen to me (although they probably should).

At the end of the day – where does all this get us? Well James Frey is still at the top of the best seller list (good for him); Oprah still has her adoring fans (why is beyond me); and contemporary capitalism still carries on. Who are the real losers? Aside from the alcoholics and drug addicts that were being “saved” by the book - I’d wager a guess that it’s those people that can’t decide what book to read on their own.

the inner feminist quietly rages…

so while I was getting my hair cut on Friday night – I was listening to an interesting conversation that was occurring next to me. The conversation was about going on a first date – Sarah was going on a first date with a guy that she had just met, why she wasn’t going out for coffee or a drink so that she can make a quick exit is beyond me but whatever. So Jeff was telling her that since this was really Sarah’s first date AND she was going for dinner she should make sure she didn’t eat too much b/c the guy would be turned off by such a whopping appetite.

HUH?

Do men really want their women to be nibbling on nothing? And do woman actually comply? So do women go for dinner eat lettuce and then run home to a tub of Haagen-Dazs b/c by that time they are so hungry that all rationale thought process has gone to hell? Or I suppose she could eat before the date – but you need to eat well enough in advance so that you can actually nibble on something otherwise you’ll be too full.

OMG.

Who can go through this cesspool of dating…I suppose a better (?) alternative could be to just get drunk and make out w/ a younger version of Justin Timberlake and at least you have a great story to tell.I mean if a woman was dating a guy who she could run faster then – would she be expected to run slower so he can “beat” her – what a preposterous thought maybe he should try running faster – wow what a concept. I’m not saying this is common practice but the thought is no different then not eating on a first date.But it gets better

…so here’s another story, which I’ll call “weighing of the prize cow…”Niki just got engaged to Mike, both of them are really nice people who you can have conversation with….although every once in a while they say something that makes you think; e.g., Mike on occasion has been known to say that if Niki gains any weight – it’s all over. Now we don’t really know what that means – and you have to wonder if there is an element of truth to this mockery. In any case, Niki was out with the girls regaling us with stories re: her engagement and she had the most “fascinating” story: after she got the ring, Mike pulled out the scale – told her to get on it, she did and then told her that she needed to ensure that she didn’t gain any more then 10 pounds by the time their wedding rolls around next year (pigs do roll right?). HE MADE HER GET ON A SCALE??? Now what’s wrong w/ this story…that Mike actually told her to get on the scale or that Niki actually did?

the inner feminist quietly rages…