I’ve been dumped...

dump v. To get rid of; discard

ironic adj. Poignantly contrary to what was expected or intended

Not only have I been dumped but I got dumped by a voicemail. In this day and age – don’t people have a little more tact then to dump someone with whom they’ve shared intimate details with over the damn telephone? Of course the best line of the voicemail was “I want to make sure we don’t leave on bad terms.” There was no remorse, no sadness, no sound of longing for me – nothing…just flat monotone “I’ve really enjoyed your company but…”

Hmmm isn’t it funny how fast life can change? It was only a couple weeks ago – that I was telling you that I was in love and now I’ve been dumped and I find myself asking how can this be possible? Actually it’s quite ironic because over the last month I myself have been contemplating doing the dumping (not over the phone mind you, I have a bit more tact then that) but I guess I was too late and I got beat. Damn it - I wanted to be the dumper not the dumpee (insert the princess stomping her feet here).

Who would have guessed that Dixie Bell would dump me?

How could she do this to me? FTLOG – I paid for her damn services. Apparently it’s because she’s cut her hours to only Monday, Wednesday and Fridays & I only go to her on Thursdays….hmmm likely story….I wonder if she is faking the funk with me.

She invited me to Texas, she invited me to her pink trailer in Wasaga beach (don’t ask), I told her about my uterus – we shared things and just like that she offered me up to someone else….just like that…to someone else…someone named Maria – I mean what kind of name is Maria because I don’t foresee the hills coming alive with her.

This is one of those break-ups where (after the initial shock) the only thing I feel is joy (other then the fact that I wanted to dump her first)….after all Dixie Bell did stand me up 3 out of the last 4 weeks, the sessions have been completely unstructured, she talks a lot, she’s unconventional – but she was Dixie Bell and ultimately I did get results.

So after a few minutes of deep contemplation – I returned her phone call only to fittingly have to leave her a voicemail:

“Hi Dixie Bell, booo that you’re no longer going to be my trainer. It’s unfortunate because I really enjoyed the sessions but I guess you have to do what you have to do. Don’t worry - no hard feelings at all. I guess I can try Maria if you recommend her – but a couple of things:
- I would like to meet her tomorrow at 6:30 pm
- I will not pay for the first session with Maria
- If I don’t like her/training style then I want to be refunded for my 12 unused sessions
- And/or if I decide between now and when I meet Maria that I don’t want a personal trainer, then I want my money back – let me know who I have to talk to - to make that happen
Call me when you get a chance. Bye and have a great day.”

Who said break-ups were hard…it’s all about frame of mind…and just like that I am en route to belonging to another.

i am in love…

love v. to have an intense emotional attachment

epic adj. surpassing the usual or ordinary, particularly in scope or size

psyche v. to put into the right psychological frame of mind

It's been over a month since I've blogged something and that’s really because I just can’t get inspired enough to comment on it – which in itself is quite depressing but if I read one more article on either of these two issues – I might kill myself:

a) Why have there been no sightings of Tomkitten (now that she is a 100+ days old)??? (note: Tomkitten would be the daughter of TomKat…still not with me...you know - the daughter of Tom Cruise & Katie Holmes – sort it out people, although you may be in a better headspace not knowing this)

and

b) Why Madame Tussauds Wax Museum in London would create a wax sculpture of Brangelina’s new baby (this one I’m not going to explain to you...you'll have to Google it)… anyways you can now go the wax museum with your family & have a picture taken with the Brangelina’s (wax) family and $1 will be donated to UNICEF...isn't that fabulous??


Anyhoo I digress - the point is that I'm in love. It's taken me a long time to get here. I can't really say I was looking for it - far from it. In the last four years – I really tried to be open to it and embrace the idea. I have had plenty of opportunity but I guess I was just in denial and funny thing is that when it happened it was love at first sight. It was emotional - it was powerful - it was liberating. When people say that love conquers all - they are 100% right.

There is no more hiding it and I want to share it with everyone.

My love comes in the form of a pair of DKNY, item
# DY 4517 olive coloured hi indexed plastic glasses.

Full stop. Period. That’s my story.

Now I understand that most people don’t/can’t understand the magnitude of this event for me – because to you they are just glasses but to me they are something of epic proportion.

You see I got my first pair of glasses when I was 5 years old just before I headed off to Senior Kindergarten. I didn’t know anyone with glasses, so for a 5-year old – it was a big thing (I’m not sure if you are aware but kids can be mean – even your sweet ones).

Anyways, somewhere deep in the psyche of a 5 year old – it was determined that I had three choices:

1. Not go to Senior Kindergarten
2. Not wear the glasses
3. Go to Senior Kindergarten and wear the glasses

Clearly there were only two viable options and fearing the wrath of my father – I decided it would be in my best interest to go to school…but without glasses.

Off I went to school with Tara (who was my best friend that particular day) – we were both happy because we were in Mr. Turnball’s class (although as a side note – he wrote in my senior kindergarten report card that I have a propensity to talk too much - weird).

Just before we got to school – I took off my glasses and held them in my hand and when no one was looking slowly slid them into the side of my underwear. Yep – my underwear became my eyeglass holder and I actually got through almost 4 months without wearing glasses - albeit being slightly uncomfortable.

Then came parent/teacher night and Dr. Turnball learned that I had glasses – I mean how does that come up in conversation? So the “hiding glasses in underwear” thing stopped fairly quickly after that.

So let’s move onto grade 2 – I was sitting beside Cindy (who was my best friend that particular day) when Shannon (who was never my best friend) – leaned over the desk placed her finger on her nose and pushed it up (in a la pig nose way) and said “piggy piggy four eyes" (think that could never be your sweet little child…you never know what kids do when they are not with you).

Fast forward to grade 8 – when I had no choice but to wear glasses everyday and Salima was my best friend that particular year. I decided I should get myself a pair of stylish “round” blue glasses. However, since by this time my eyesight was fairly bad and lenses were not what they are now (i.e., small/thin) – to the outside world it was if I had huge magnifying glasses on my face.

In grade 11 (when I decided that having a “best friend” was too difficult) - I got the ultra thin frames – but again due to the thick lense issue - ¾ of the lense stuck out of the frame.

So after 26 years – I’ve finally come into myself. I am in love with my glasses. I am in love with the fact that I look fabulous in them.

I have finally gotten past years of trauma, drama and general anguish and it is amazing. Of course in retrospect - it seems silly that I had given so much power to an accessory and now I am in love with the power that I have given myself. And I want more. Like lululemon says – do one thing that scares you. I have.

So next time you see me and I am wearing my DKNY item # DY 4517 olive coloured hi indexed plastic glasses - stop and comment. Good or bad - I can take it. I have purged the psyche of that 5 year old. I am not scared.

...have I told you that I’m in love?