excuse me ma’am, have you seen my fertility?

antediluvian (adj.) - very old, old-fashioned, or out of date; antiquated; primitive

mental (adj.) - pertaining to intellectuals or intellectual activity

Have you ever noticed that most rights of passages can only be only attained after passing a test of sorts?

- We are graded right from junior kindergarten (yes, Tommy exhibits exceptional art skills with his finger painting) all the way to high school (unfortunately. we have had to suspend Tommy because graffiti is not part of this curriculum)
- Some of us are then tested for four years in University just so we can obtain another coveted (?) pretty piece of paper (I think mine is in the basement)
- We are now tested several times in order to drive on the highway (back in the day – there was only one test to pass…you either did or you didn’t)
- You even have to take a test and answer questions about Canadian history in order to become a Canadian citizen (albeit you can take this test in several languages (other then English and French) which is beyond me because I can’t remember the last time I had to vote and the ballot was in Punjabi unless perhaps you live in Brampton…but I won’t even get started on that)

Now don’t get me wrong, I do believe that these and all the other plethora of tests are needed but what I fail to understand and what gets me slightly enraged is wondering why there are no tests that women/parents have to go through before they can have a baby and just to be clear I am not talking about a medical test to ensure the safety of mom/baby.

I am talking about a series of tests that women should have to go through just like their adoptive counterparts. Individuals wanting to adopt a child have their lives (and bank accounts) turned upside down - yet no questions are asked of women who can conceive…a psychological evaluation, pay stubs, a SIN number, reference checks – something, anything other then – well I have an ovary or two therefore I am a good candidate or better yet – it is the next thing to check off on my “life’s to do” list.

I am speaking specifically about those people who can perhaps materially provide for their children but other then that they’ve got nothin’ to offer…nada, zero. Just because you are in a perfect union (or not) with an income that allows you to support a child DOES NOT mean you should have a child. Be honest – we all know someone who has a child and we always walk away wondering why…

This goes out to those parents who don’t understand that the problem is not their children - the problem is the parents themselves and their own behaviour. When little Mary is running around the coffee shop licking the pastry display cases – this would be time to perhaps get off your ass and try something new – like stopping her vs. shaking your head and hoping she will grow out of it while you continue with your coffee. Or maybe your “me” time will have to suffer because using the TV as a babysitter – just doesn’t work. Again I fail to understand that if you have one child and realize that there is something amiss (let’s suppose little Johnny has the propensity to kick and scream at you…everyday) then perhaps you should think before having child number 2 but instead you have child number 3 AND 4. It is just unacceptable. If you don’t think these are your children – check out Nanny 911 – you may be surprised what similarities you find.

I know I know – life is a bitch and there are those that are less fortunate then others and are unable to provide certain things for their children. But I am not talking about material items – I am talking about nurturing your children, which perhaps naively in my mind has nothing to do with your background, culture, economic status, social status and any other excuse you want to use – because that is what it is - an excuse.

While a child may be a product of their environment they are more so a reflection of their parents.

Just to state the obvious – yes, I do think that I am the perfect parent. Why am I the perfect parent? Because I don’t have any children. So yes, I may not know the dilemmas that parents go through to raise children, but I was once a child and I know what was acceptable and what wasn’t – and that was because of my parents. It wasn’t because of some TV program and it wasn’t because my parents thought ‘freedom of expression’ was a better mantra then discipline. We’re talking about 4 year olds not 40 year olds.

So I have an easy solution to this debacle - a woman’s fertility should be kept under lock and key until she passes some sort of test and once successfully passed – then and only can they take their eggs with them. Brilliant isn’t it? Yes I thought so too.

Think of it as a library – once you have passed the requisite tests and have your fertility approval card, you can locate your eggs via the dewy decimal system, proceed to the self checkout (which naturally has a fingerprint verification system) - swipe them through – and off you are to fabulous parent hood.

To all the feminists out there who are thinking this is an inventive antediluvian plot to jolt womankind back to the days where we didn’t have the right to vote – fear not because that is not the intent. Although as a side note – 42% of Canada’s population is made up females aged 15+, in the last Canadian election approximately 40% of the entire population voted – I wonder how many women voted? I don’t have the time or the mathematical inclination to sort that out – but what I do know is 100% of all eligible women did not vote but the more important question is why do we have to be 18 in order to vote yet I can be a baby mommy when I am 15. Deep breath.

Anyways, as I was saying - having a child is not your “right” - it is a privilege. Yes it is your body but if you don’t have the mental capacity to raise a child – then you shouldn’t. We do not have the right to take our own life in the name of medical necessity thereby denying ourselves the self respect we deserve at death – yet we can procreate at any time, age, place – whatever wherever. Think of how ridiculous that is - just imagine - you are terminally ill and withering away and the only thing “it’s my body and I can do what I want” will warrant you – is a baby.

So excuse me ma’am, have you seen my fertility because…

I cannot find it in my box,
I cannot find it among his rocks
I cannot find it here or there.
I cannot find them anywhere.
I do not see it in my house
I do not see it with my spouse
I cannot find it here or there
I cannot find it anywhere

…and that may not be such a bad thing.