I’ve been dumped...

dump v. To get rid of; discard

ironic adj. Poignantly contrary to what was expected or intended

Not only have I been dumped but I got dumped by a voicemail. In this day and age – don’t people have a little more tact then to dump someone with whom they’ve shared intimate details with over the damn telephone? Of course the best line of the voicemail was “I want to make sure we don’t leave on bad terms.” There was no remorse, no sadness, no sound of longing for me – nothing…just flat monotone “I’ve really enjoyed your company but…”

Hmmm isn’t it funny how fast life can change? It was only a couple weeks ago – that I was telling you that I was in love and now I’ve been dumped and I find myself asking how can this be possible? Actually it’s quite ironic because over the last month I myself have been contemplating doing the dumping (not over the phone mind you, I have a bit more tact then that) but I guess I was too late and I got beat. Damn it - I wanted to be the dumper not the dumpee (insert the princess stomping her feet here).

Who would have guessed that Dixie Bell would dump me?

How could she do this to me? FTLOG – I paid for her damn services. Apparently it’s because she’s cut her hours to only Monday, Wednesday and Fridays & I only go to her on Thursdays….hmmm likely story….I wonder if she is faking the funk with me.

She invited me to Texas, she invited me to her pink trailer in Wasaga beach (don’t ask), I told her about my uterus – we shared things and just like that she offered me up to someone else….just like that…to someone else…someone named Maria – I mean what kind of name is Maria because I don’t foresee the hills coming alive with her.

This is one of those break-ups where (after the initial shock) the only thing I feel is joy (other then the fact that I wanted to dump her first)….after all Dixie Bell did stand me up 3 out of the last 4 weeks, the sessions have been completely unstructured, she talks a lot, she’s unconventional – but she was Dixie Bell and ultimately I did get results.

So after a few minutes of deep contemplation – I returned her phone call only to fittingly have to leave her a voicemail:

“Hi Dixie Bell, booo that you’re no longer going to be my trainer. It’s unfortunate because I really enjoyed the sessions but I guess you have to do what you have to do. Don’t worry - no hard feelings at all. I guess I can try Maria if you recommend her – but a couple of things:
- I would like to meet her tomorrow at 6:30 pm
- I will not pay for the first session with Maria
- If I don’t like her/training style then I want to be refunded for my 12 unused sessions
- And/or if I decide between now and when I meet Maria that I don’t want a personal trainer, then I want my money back – let me know who I have to talk to - to make that happen
Call me when you get a chance. Bye and have a great day.”

Who said break-ups were hard…it’s all about frame of mind…and just like that I am en route to belonging to another.

i am in love…

love v. to have an intense emotional attachment

epic adj. surpassing the usual or ordinary, particularly in scope or size

psyche v. to put into the right psychological frame of mind

It's been over a month since I've blogged something and that’s really because I just can’t get inspired enough to comment on it – which in itself is quite depressing but if I read one more article on either of these two issues – I might kill myself:

a) Why have there been no sightings of Tomkitten (now that she is a 100+ days old)??? (note: Tomkitten would be the daughter of TomKat…still not with me...you know - the daughter of Tom Cruise & Katie Holmes – sort it out people, although you may be in a better headspace not knowing this)

and

b) Why Madame Tussauds Wax Museum in London would create a wax sculpture of Brangelina’s new baby (this one I’m not going to explain to you...you'll have to Google it)… anyways you can now go the wax museum with your family & have a picture taken with the Brangelina’s (wax) family and $1 will be donated to UNICEF...isn't that fabulous??


Anyhoo I digress - the point is that I'm in love. It's taken me a long time to get here. I can't really say I was looking for it - far from it. In the last four years – I really tried to be open to it and embrace the idea. I have had plenty of opportunity but I guess I was just in denial and funny thing is that when it happened it was love at first sight. It was emotional - it was powerful - it was liberating. When people say that love conquers all - they are 100% right.

There is no more hiding it and I want to share it with everyone.

My love comes in the form of a pair of DKNY, item
# DY 4517 olive coloured hi indexed plastic glasses.

Full stop. Period. That’s my story.

Now I understand that most people don’t/can’t understand the magnitude of this event for me – because to you they are just glasses but to me they are something of epic proportion.

You see I got my first pair of glasses when I was 5 years old just before I headed off to Senior Kindergarten. I didn’t know anyone with glasses, so for a 5-year old – it was a big thing (I’m not sure if you are aware but kids can be mean – even your sweet ones).

Anyways, somewhere deep in the psyche of a 5 year old – it was determined that I had three choices:

1. Not go to Senior Kindergarten
2. Not wear the glasses
3. Go to Senior Kindergarten and wear the glasses

Clearly there were only two viable options and fearing the wrath of my father – I decided it would be in my best interest to go to school…but without glasses.

Off I went to school with Tara (who was my best friend that particular day) – we were both happy because we were in Mr. Turnball’s class (although as a side note – he wrote in my senior kindergarten report card that I have a propensity to talk too much - weird).

Just before we got to school – I took off my glasses and held them in my hand and when no one was looking slowly slid them into the side of my underwear. Yep – my underwear became my eyeglass holder and I actually got through almost 4 months without wearing glasses - albeit being slightly uncomfortable.

Then came parent/teacher night and Dr. Turnball learned that I had glasses – I mean how does that come up in conversation? So the “hiding glasses in underwear” thing stopped fairly quickly after that.

So let’s move onto grade 2 – I was sitting beside Cindy (who was my best friend that particular day) when Shannon (who was never my best friend) – leaned over the desk placed her finger on her nose and pushed it up (in a la pig nose way) and said “piggy piggy four eyes" (think that could never be your sweet little child…you never know what kids do when they are not with you).

Fast forward to grade 8 – when I had no choice but to wear glasses everyday and Salima was my best friend that particular year. I decided I should get myself a pair of stylish “round” blue glasses. However, since by this time my eyesight was fairly bad and lenses were not what they are now (i.e., small/thin) – to the outside world it was if I had huge magnifying glasses on my face.

In grade 11 (when I decided that having a “best friend” was too difficult) - I got the ultra thin frames – but again due to the thick lense issue - ¾ of the lense stuck out of the frame.

So after 26 years – I’ve finally come into myself. I am in love with my glasses. I am in love with the fact that I look fabulous in them.

I have finally gotten past years of trauma, drama and general anguish and it is amazing. Of course in retrospect - it seems silly that I had given so much power to an accessory and now I am in love with the power that I have given myself. And I want more. Like lululemon says – do one thing that scares you. I have.

So next time you see me and I am wearing my DKNY item # DY 4517 olive coloured hi indexed plastic glasses - stop and comment. Good or bad - I can take it. I have purged the psyche of that 5 year old. I am not scared.

...have I told you that I’m in love?

why fake the funk?

friend n. a person whom one knows, likes, and trusts.

acquaintance n. knowledge of a person acquired by a relationship less intimate than friendship.

fake adj. having a false or misleading appearance; fraudulent.

funk n. a cowardly, fearful person.

…we quit jobs, we break-up with boring/dull/life draining boyfriends, we trade in our old cars for something new – we make all of these clean breaks but do we ever get rid of energy sucking “friends?”

No we probably don’t and in all likelihood it is only because we’re just too damn nice. Who really wants to be responsible for hurting someone else’s feelings? Therefore it is better just to fake the funk then be real – after all we know karma is a bitch.

The question remains - why be friends – if you’re truly not friends. No one wants to be told they are not friend material – but in a world of 6,625,619,734 people (as of 12:42am on 6/20/06)– there are going to be people you don’t like and those that don’t like you – so deal with it.

Don’t look so appalled at the suggestion – because I know you feel me. We should be able to get rid of those friends, who when we see approaching make us groan inwardly. We try not to make eye contact in hopes of appearing invisible but when the realization hits that there is no way out – we’d rather plaster a smile on our face, appear wide eyed (because this “look” makes it seem like we’re more interested) – take a deep breath and say, Hi, how are you?” – when clearly we don’t care.

I once told my friend Christine that one of her friend’s was a “whatever” to me - meaning that I had no real opinion of her. I neither liked her nor disliked her…she was literally a whatever with no real effect in/on my life (harsh?...perhaps. Although has anybody read The Five People you Meet in Heaven because clearly I could be wrong). In any case, Christine decided to tell her friend about my “thoughts” and the friend was offended! Of course she was – we as a society are trained to be offended at this politically incorrect behaviour.

People who know me know that I say “I have enough friends, I don’t need anymore” – and it’s true. I’m not trying to be rude or mean – but just because you share one common interest with me doesn’t mean we have to be bosom buddies. I have my circle of well thought out friends – and I don’t need to dilute that with random riff raff (don’t take that personally – key word is random).

Maybe the problem is that there are so many different types of friends and to categorize them and then to further remember which category they fall in – is just too much work. Where do we draw the line between friend, acquaintance or simply rare encounter - and more importantly how do we explain that to the other party.

Work “friends” always pose a problem - just because you spend 8 hrs/day with Dianne doesn’t mean you have to be friends. Or just because you know Dianne drinks Double Ristretto Venti Nonfat Organic Chocolate Brownie Frappuccino Extra Hot with Foam and Whipped Cream Upside Down Double Blended – doesn’t mean you really know her.

The work thing does get tricky when you chug down a Cosmo or 12 with her and somehow you’ve now become inseparable. Honestly if it is only the vodka, triple sec, lime juice & cranberry juice that’s holding the two of you together – then take her for what she is – a fabulous drinking partner but not necessarily a friend.

We then have those people that think they are your friends after repeated failed attempts (on your part) to enlighten them otherwise – but all you get in return is “oh you’re so funny.”

Let’s not forget those people that are friends of friends and assume you are ALL friends.

Or those friends who have been around since grade four and even though you have zero in common – you still find yourself getting together while playing musical houses for monthly potluck night.

Last but not least, and this one is a bit tricky and requires strength, there are those people who can’t decide if they are your friend or not - when it suits them they talk to you and when it doesn’t they don’t. These are people I absolutely have no time for – you either are or you’re not – sort it out. Besides at the end of the day he doesn’t want either one of us – so don’t fake the funk with me.

FTLOG (that’s for the love of god for those that are new)

It is an unfortunate reality – but the “friends” we don’t want to keep often languish a slow death…we don’t quite get rid of them but instead hope they will just fade away. Wouldn’t it just be easier to go in for the kill in one fell swoop? Or better yet - just not be friends in the first place?

We have all these rules that govern our lives but there is no flashing neon sign warning us of the dangers of have friends that we have no interest in or worse yet no longer have any interest in? The dangers of these friends, who when they speak – you wish they just wouldn’t.

When is it okay to stop faking the funk? Or is the answer never?

Kahlil Gibran, The Prophet, Friendship (1923)

holy reinvention! batwoman’s gay…

Section A, Page 28, The Toronto Star, June 1, 2006

holy adj. Belonging to, derived from, or associated with a divine power; sacred

reinvention - reinvention was not found

lipstick lesbian - a slag term for a feminine homosexual woman who is attracted to another feminine woman, rather than a lesbian who is attracted to a more masculine woman

sensationalism n. The use of sensational matter or methods, especially in writing, journalism, or politics the journalistic use of subject matter that appeals to vulgar tastes; "the tabloids relied on sensationalism to maintain their circulation"

diversification v. To give variety to

Thankfully I can’t take credit for this headline. In fact the front page of the Toronto Star may have stated it even more eloquently, “Years after she first emerged from the Batcave, Batwoman is coming out of the closest”

Seriously.

I’ll be honest – I don’t know anything about Batwoman so I decided to wiki it and let me share with you what I have learned about Batwoman:

- she’s a crime fighter
- she is Batman’s female counterpart
- she carries a utility purse instead of a utility belt
- she’s has a niece named Bat-Girl
- there’s an imp named Bat-Mite in the Kingdom (this is where I lost interest) BUT
- she used to have a thing for Batman

…and now she is gay.

According to the Executive Editor of DC Comics, Dan DiDio, “This is not just about having a gay character…we’re trying for overall diversification in the DC universe. We have strong African American, Hispanic and Asian characters . We’re trying to get better cross-section of our readership and the world.”

I guess the light went off for someone somewhere and they decided OMGB we’ve left the gay contingent behind. If we quick create one in a superhero format – the world can be saved. And maybe it will – there must have been some market research done indicating that by making Batwoman gay we could save The Kingdom…Planet Krypton…or where ever it is she resides.

Do we even need to ponder the question of who is the gay representative of male superheroes? Is the world ready for Batman and Robin to come out of the closet? And let’s be realistic – what would sell better then a lesbian superhero? Clearly she is going to need a playmate and presto – just like that - we have two gay (female) superheroes. What’s better then two lesbian superheroes in tight fitting cat suits making out with each other? Just visualize.

So what is this really about? When DiDio states that Batwoman is not only gay but – she is of the lipstick lesbian variety of gay – are we not moving away from diversification and into sensationalism?

Is the reinvention of Batwoman about being gay or is it about being a strong ass kickin’ female superhero that can wear a cat suit and still carry a purse - who just happens to be gay? Because if it is the latter of the two - would it even make the front section of The Toronto Star much less the front page?

Why did Brokeback Mountain create such a fervor? Was it because this was a beautiful love story as described Ang Lee? Or was it because people saw it as a “breakthrough, “ as the 1st portrayal of gay cowboys on the big screen? Be honest.

How about this random thought – if you want to diversify and get a better “cross-section” of readership why not make your female superhero weigh 200 lbs – given the obesity issue these days – this would surely get a larger audience.

But the real question comes down to - can you put a 200lbs female superhero in a cat suit and still make the front page of The Toronto Star?

…and more importantly what would the headline read…“Years after she first emerged from the Batcave, Batwoman's stuck?”

do you have a uterus?...

uterus n. An organ in female mammals for containing and usually for nourishing the young during development previous to birth that consists of a greatly modified and enlarged section of an oviduct or of the two oviducts united, that has thick walls consisting of an external serous coat, a very thick muscular coat of smooth muscle, and a mucous coat containing numerous glands, and that during pregnancy undergoes great increase in size and change in the condition of its walls called also womb (hmmm was that a bit much??)

obsequious adj. Full of or exhibiting servile compliance; fawning.

..."do you have a uterus?" was the 2nd question asked by my new personal trainer – sandwiched somewhere in between “Do you have a few minutes to chat?” and “Did you eat before you came here?”

For those that know me – I think we can agree that I’m generally a confident/strong individual…but “do you have a uterus?” had a strange effect in me…I had to think…do I in fact have a uterus? and more importantly is answering “yes” the right answer.

The problem (other then the question itself) was that I had no time to think…she just kept on firing questions…

- do you have implants
- have you had children
- are you on birth control
- do you have “gas” problems (???)

I was unable to make eye contact and had a thousand thoughts going through my head as I tried to figure out in the .05 seconds between questions what exactly I was doing here and why all of the sudden I felt like I was 12 years old doing this repetitive head nodding/motion/twitch “thing” every time she said something. I found myself astonishingly obsequious to this former professional wrestler with 15 years experience named Dixie Bell.

Don’t you just love it – Dixie Bell. Say it with me “Dixie Bell” - “Dixie Bell” - “Dixie Bell”

Let’s be honest - half the reason I chose her was because of her name. And she is fabulous. In 65 minutes…I found my gym soul mate…and let me tell you that is not an easy thing to do…as a side note – the last trainer I had was about 4 years ago – and he was more interested in the booty’s available at the gym as opposed to making mine à la J. Lo.

So I guess the moral of this story is:

a) do not judge a person by their name (this is to all you Dixie Bell’s, Chastity’s, Charity’s and Englebert Humperdink’s out there)

and

b) you really should know if you have a uterus or not…

ode to the runners...

Marathon n. any long and arduous undertaking; a footrace of 26 miles 385 yards; a battle in 490 BC in which the Athenians and their allies defeated the Persians

Half-marathon – the thing that marathoners call a jog

Conviction n: an unshakable belief in something without need for proof or evidence

“Most people, maybe 80 percent of people, aren’t physically designed to undertake such a task (marathon). It’s more than (just) 26 miles of repeated stress, which is brutal."

http://www.bu.edu/phpbin/news-cms/news/?dept=4&id=38606&template=4

..to the above statement i say "bite - me"...this is homage to ANYONE that has attempted to run a marathon and I’ll further extend it to anyone that has attempted to run half of a marathon. This is not for any walkers or for anyone that bikes, roller blades, skips or even races 10 km. You can’t give respect in the same way – I don’t care what you say.

This is for those that spent the last five months pounding the pavement in the cold winter and the so-so spring weather only to be greeted with crazy, harsh winds (who knows where the hell they came from). This is for those that had to contend with bleeding nipples or chafing in other lovely places, or had the wrong shoes, the wrong shirt or those pesky shorts that kept creeping up. Those who endured knee pains, hip pains, and any/all pains. Those who gave up smoking, gave up red meat, and gave up all that used to be fun.

This is for those that have voluntarily entered the cultdom.

Let’s face it – the majority of the population can’t get off the couch because we might miss the pivotal moment in Prison Break (clearly he and his cronies will be breaking out of prison…hence the name of the show) much less log in 35 – 100km of running/week for nothing more then personal glory.

And that’s what running is…personal – it’s euphoric…and let’s be honest…you get bragging rights.

I’ve generally been on the side of the runners (as a half marathoner) but this time I was a spectator and it was a crazy place to be and I speak for all my riff raff spectators…craning our necks, praying to all of the gods, getting nauseous as the clock ticks closer to that pivotal time and shouting in jubilation when one of our own came into sight. It was if we were running the race (clearly we’re not…it’s just a cliché...runners don’t get upset).

This is the first time that for a race of this magnitude I was a spectator and I wish I wasn’t…I wish I had had the dedication to be a part of it – b/c it is an elite crowd and damn it I want back in.

Take solace in what you done…what you’ve accomplished…and if you want to wallow in your defeat do it b/c you can…or bask in your glory…either way – we all know the truth…you'll be back for more…

now ode to my riffraff…
* Brother of Tapio (18/102) – arms raised…need we say more
* BF #2 (65/149) – hmmm results could be indicative of overexcitement re: what I promised next year…Teen where’s my $100…
* Roxybaker (29/90)– don’t shed another tear – it’ll happen and besides you can run w/ the boys baby…that’s something on its own...
* Eduardo (23/53) – the consummate gentleman...outwardly smiling without a hair out of place...inwardly…does anyone know??
* BF #1 (56/111)– better then sex eh? Let’s go another round…
* Neil – (149/288) - 17 minutes baby...
* Dave – (188/288) – back on the plan? 21.1…30…42.2...
* LAD – (389/463) - you did it on your own…have faith.

open letter #2…

Cruel adj: lacking or showing kindness or compassion or mercy

Unfathomable adj. Difficult or impossible to understand

Sincere adj. Not feigned or affected

...yet another letter sent
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May 16, 2006

XXXX XXXXX
Public Works & Government Services Canada
Superannuation, Pension Transition and Client Services Sector
Shediac, NB

RE: Death Benefit Claim Form
Pension Number XXXXXX

XXXX XXXXX,

I received the required death benefit claim form, along with your personalized letter.

I would like say that it was very nice of you to have taken the time to personalize your cover letter, but my father died in 1985 and your sympathies however sincere are a bit late. In addition he never worked for the government or received any pension from the Superannuation Department.

What would have been appreciated in this difficult period was if you had taken the time to verify the gender of the deceased. I assume in this case your condolences are meant for the death of my mother who was employed by the government for 35+ years.

While I understand that personally knowing my mother by anything other then her 6 digit ID number would be beyond reason - I have to believe that the gender of a former employee would be information on file.

I find it unfathomable that a simple piece of information, such as gender can be misrepresentation in a letter as devastating as this. This not only trivializes the death of a loved one but also gravely upsets those that have been left behind.

What I would like to suggest for the future is that if you do not have the time to research the details for a particular case, then either do not offer your condolences or leave it generic.

Should you have any questions or require any further information, please do not hesitate to contact me at the address listed below.

Given that this is the second such letter I have had to write - I would rather that you/your office not respond to this letter by indicating that due to the high volume of claims that you/your office handle it was an oversight.

I look forward to hearing from you.

Sincerely,
XXXXX (Miss.)

cc. MGR

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...is this really happening?