why fake the funk?

friend n. a person whom one knows, likes, and trusts.

acquaintance n. knowledge of a person acquired by a relationship less intimate than friendship.

fake adj. having a false or misleading appearance; fraudulent.

funk n. a cowardly, fearful person.

…we quit jobs, we break-up with boring/dull/life draining boyfriends, we trade in our old cars for something new – we make all of these clean breaks but do we ever get rid of energy sucking “friends?”

No we probably don’t and in all likelihood it is only because we’re just too damn nice. Who really wants to be responsible for hurting someone else’s feelings? Therefore it is better just to fake the funk then be real – after all we know karma is a bitch.

The question remains - why be friends – if you’re truly not friends. No one wants to be told they are not friend material – but in a world of 6,625,619,734 people (as of 12:42am on 6/20/06)– there are going to be people you don’t like and those that don’t like you – so deal with it.

Don’t look so appalled at the suggestion – because I know you feel me. We should be able to get rid of those friends, who when we see approaching make us groan inwardly. We try not to make eye contact in hopes of appearing invisible but when the realization hits that there is no way out – we’d rather plaster a smile on our face, appear wide eyed (because this “look” makes it seem like we’re more interested) – take a deep breath and say, Hi, how are you?” – when clearly we don’t care.

I once told my friend Christine that one of her friend’s was a “whatever” to me - meaning that I had no real opinion of her. I neither liked her nor disliked her…she was literally a whatever with no real effect in/on my life (harsh?...perhaps. Although has anybody read The Five People you Meet in Heaven because clearly I could be wrong). In any case, Christine decided to tell her friend about my “thoughts” and the friend was offended! Of course she was – we as a society are trained to be offended at this politically incorrect behaviour.

People who know me know that I say “I have enough friends, I don’t need anymore” – and it’s true. I’m not trying to be rude or mean – but just because you share one common interest with me doesn’t mean we have to be bosom buddies. I have my circle of well thought out friends – and I don’t need to dilute that with random riff raff (don’t take that personally – key word is random).

Maybe the problem is that there are so many different types of friends and to categorize them and then to further remember which category they fall in – is just too much work. Where do we draw the line between friend, acquaintance or simply rare encounter - and more importantly how do we explain that to the other party.

Work “friends” always pose a problem - just because you spend 8 hrs/day with Dianne doesn’t mean you have to be friends. Or just because you know Dianne drinks Double Ristretto Venti Nonfat Organic Chocolate Brownie Frappuccino Extra Hot with Foam and Whipped Cream Upside Down Double Blended – doesn’t mean you really know her.

The work thing does get tricky when you chug down a Cosmo or 12 with her and somehow you’ve now become inseparable. Honestly if it is only the vodka, triple sec, lime juice & cranberry juice that’s holding the two of you together – then take her for what she is – a fabulous drinking partner but not necessarily a friend.

We then have those people that think they are your friends after repeated failed attempts (on your part) to enlighten them otherwise – but all you get in return is “oh you’re so funny.”

Let’s not forget those people that are friends of friends and assume you are ALL friends.

Or those friends who have been around since grade four and even though you have zero in common – you still find yourself getting together while playing musical houses for monthly potluck night.

Last but not least, and this one is a bit tricky and requires strength, there are those people who can’t decide if they are your friend or not - when it suits them they talk to you and when it doesn’t they don’t. These are people I absolutely have no time for – you either are or you’re not – sort it out. Besides at the end of the day he doesn’t want either one of us – so don’t fake the funk with me.

FTLOG (that’s for the love of god for those that are new)

It is an unfortunate reality – but the “friends” we don’t want to keep often languish a slow death…we don’t quite get rid of them but instead hope they will just fade away. Wouldn’t it just be easier to go in for the kill in one fell swoop? Or better yet - just not be friends in the first place?

We have all these rules that govern our lives but there is no flashing neon sign warning us of the dangers of have friends that we have no interest in or worse yet no longer have any interest in? The dangers of these friends, who when they speak – you wish they just wouldn’t.

When is it okay to stop faking the funk? Or is the answer never?

Kahlil Gibran, The Prophet, Friendship (1923)

holy reinvention! batwoman’s gay…

Section A, Page 28, The Toronto Star, June 1, 2006

holy adj. Belonging to, derived from, or associated with a divine power; sacred

reinvention - reinvention was not found

lipstick lesbian - a slag term for a feminine homosexual woman who is attracted to another feminine woman, rather than a lesbian who is attracted to a more masculine woman

sensationalism n. The use of sensational matter or methods, especially in writing, journalism, or politics the journalistic use of subject matter that appeals to vulgar tastes; "the tabloids relied on sensationalism to maintain their circulation"

diversification v. To give variety to

Thankfully I can’t take credit for this headline. In fact the front page of the Toronto Star may have stated it even more eloquently, “Years after she first emerged from the Batcave, Batwoman is coming out of the closest”

Seriously.

I’ll be honest – I don’t know anything about Batwoman so I decided to wiki it and let me share with you what I have learned about Batwoman:

- she’s a crime fighter
- she is Batman’s female counterpart
- she carries a utility purse instead of a utility belt
- she’s has a niece named Bat-Girl
- there’s an imp named Bat-Mite in the Kingdom (this is where I lost interest) BUT
- she used to have a thing for Batman

…and now she is gay.

According to the Executive Editor of DC Comics, Dan DiDio, “This is not just about having a gay character…we’re trying for overall diversification in the DC universe. We have strong African American, Hispanic and Asian characters . We’re trying to get better cross-section of our readership and the world.”

I guess the light went off for someone somewhere and they decided OMGB we’ve left the gay contingent behind. If we quick create one in a superhero format – the world can be saved. And maybe it will – there must have been some market research done indicating that by making Batwoman gay we could save The Kingdom…Planet Krypton…or where ever it is she resides.

Do we even need to ponder the question of who is the gay representative of male superheroes? Is the world ready for Batman and Robin to come out of the closet? And let’s be realistic – what would sell better then a lesbian superhero? Clearly she is going to need a playmate and presto – just like that - we have two gay (female) superheroes. What’s better then two lesbian superheroes in tight fitting cat suits making out with each other? Just visualize.

So what is this really about? When DiDio states that Batwoman is not only gay but – she is of the lipstick lesbian variety of gay – are we not moving away from diversification and into sensationalism?

Is the reinvention of Batwoman about being gay or is it about being a strong ass kickin’ female superhero that can wear a cat suit and still carry a purse - who just happens to be gay? Because if it is the latter of the two - would it even make the front section of The Toronto Star much less the front page?

Why did Brokeback Mountain create such a fervor? Was it because this was a beautiful love story as described Ang Lee? Or was it because people saw it as a “breakthrough, “ as the 1st portrayal of gay cowboys on the big screen? Be honest.

How about this random thought – if you want to diversify and get a better “cross-section” of readership why not make your female superhero weigh 200 lbs – given the obesity issue these days – this would surely get a larger audience.

But the real question comes down to - can you put a 200lbs female superhero in a cat suit and still make the front page of The Toronto Star?

…and more importantly what would the headline read…“Years after she first emerged from the Batcave, Batwoman's stuck?”