why fake the funk?

friend n. a person whom one knows, likes, and trusts.

acquaintance n. knowledge of a person acquired by a relationship less intimate than friendship.

fake adj. having a false or misleading appearance; fraudulent.

funk n. a cowardly, fearful person.

…we quit jobs, we break-up with boring/dull/life draining boyfriends, we trade in our old cars for something new – we make all of these clean breaks but do we ever get rid of energy sucking “friends?”

No we probably don’t and in all likelihood it is only because we’re just too damn nice. Who really wants to be responsible for hurting someone else’s feelings? Therefore it is better just to fake the funk then be real – after all we know karma is a bitch.

The question remains - why be friends – if you’re truly not friends. No one wants to be told they are not friend material – but in a world of 6,625,619,734 people (as of 12:42am on 6/20/06)– there are going to be people you don’t like and those that don’t like you – so deal with it.

Don’t look so appalled at the suggestion – because I know you feel me. We should be able to get rid of those friends, who when we see approaching make us groan inwardly. We try not to make eye contact in hopes of appearing invisible but when the realization hits that there is no way out – we’d rather plaster a smile on our face, appear wide eyed (because this “look” makes it seem like we’re more interested) – take a deep breath and say, Hi, how are you?” – when clearly we don’t care.

I once told my friend Christine that one of her friend’s was a “whatever” to me - meaning that I had no real opinion of her. I neither liked her nor disliked her…she was literally a whatever with no real effect in/on my life (harsh?...perhaps. Although has anybody read The Five People you Meet in Heaven because clearly I could be wrong). In any case, Christine decided to tell her friend about my “thoughts” and the friend was offended! Of course she was – we as a society are trained to be offended at this politically incorrect behaviour.

People who know me know that I say “I have enough friends, I don’t need anymore” – and it’s true. I’m not trying to be rude or mean – but just because you share one common interest with me doesn’t mean we have to be bosom buddies. I have my circle of well thought out friends – and I don’t need to dilute that with random riff raff (don’t take that personally – key word is random).

Maybe the problem is that there are so many different types of friends and to categorize them and then to further remember which category they fall in – is just too much work. Where do we draw the line between friend, acquaintance or simply rare encounter - and more importantly how do we explain that to the other party.

Work “friends” always pose a problem - just because you spend 8 hrs/day with Dianne doesn’t mean you have to be friends. Or just because you know Dianne drinks Double Ristretto Venti Nonfat Organic Chocolate Brownie Frappuccino Extra Hot with Foam and Whipped Cream Upside Down Double Blended – doesn’t mean you really know her.

The work thing does get tricky when you chug down a Cosmo or 12 with her and somehow you’ve now become inseparable. Honestly if it is only the vodka, triple sec, lime juice & cranberry juice that’s holding the two of you together – then take her for what she is – a fabulous drinking partner but not necessarily a friend.

We then have those people that think they are your friends after repeated failed attempts (on your part) to enlighten them otherwise – but all you get in return is “oh you’re so funny.”

Let’s not forget those people that are friends of friends and assume you are ALL friends.

Or those friends who have been around since grade four and even though you have zero in common – you still find yourself getting together while playing musical houses for monthly potluck night.

Last but not least, and this one is a bit tricky and requires strength, there are those people who can’t decide if they are your friend or not - when it suits them they talk to you and when it doesn’t they don’t. These are people I absolutely have no time for – you either are or you’re not – sort it out. Besides at the end of the day he doesn’t want either one of us – so don’t fake the funk with me.

FTLOG (that’s for the love of god for those that are new)

It is an unfortunate reality – but the “friends” we don’t want to keep often languish a slow death…we don’t quite get rid of them but instead hope they will just fade away. Wouldn’t it just be easier to go in for the kill in one fell swoop? Or better yet - just not be friends in the first place?

We have all these rules that govern our lives but there is no flashing neon sign warning us of the dangers of have friends that we have no interest in or worse yet no longer have any interest in? The dangers of these friends, who when they speak – you wish they just wouldn’t.

When is it okay to stop faking the funk? Or is the answer never?

Kahlil Gibran, The Prophet, Friendship (1923)