does sex make the relationship or does the relationship make the sex?

antiquated (adj.) continued from, resembling, or adhering to the past; old-fashioned

ice queen - a woman who refuses sexual advances; frigid

I was listening to the radio last week when the discussion turned to relationships and sex…asking what comes first – the relationship or the sex. Sort of like the chicken and egg conundrum.

For those that know my antiquated views, know, for me sex has meaning, emotion and blah, blah, blah. I’m not into one night stands, drunken encounters and let’s just say at the end of the day…sex can’t just be willy nilly. For me, it is mutually exclusive with respecting myself…but I won’t bore you with my rhetoric.

For others sex is just an act with no real meaning…at least that is what I’m told. This notion leads me to believe that sex is a lot like spin class…take a few layers of clothes off, sweat a little, maybe feel light headed…all that’s left to do is take a lazy drag of that cigarette.

In university I may have been known as some what of an ice queen and that was fine by me (maybe that’s still how people perceive me – and at 32 years old – that’s a complete whatever). I did a good job of keeping my ice queen title until 4th year when a simple 5 second, completely public, interlude cost me my title.

Just to clarify, this guy wasn’t a stranger…he apparently had haboured some “attraction” towards me (whatever that means)…but those 5 second made it fair game for an invite to have “sex in the bushes.” Right then. Right there. Seriously? No, seriously?

So could sex in the bushes have led to a potential relationship?

At that point I’d rather just arm myself with rabbit the habit …why go through the effort of having to kick some guy out at 2 in the morning….that and I have free porn.

If sex does make the relationship, then how quickly do you have to hit it? Does the 3rd date rule still apply? Or in this day and age when it seems like the pool of eligible mates is fast drying up – do you have to test drive all that you can in hopes of a winner?

Here’s another thought – what happens when the intent was a relationship and the result was great sex but the problem is that you are no longer together. Is it okay to just keep the sex but lose the relationship? I have an acquaintance that a few years ago broke up with her BF via a text message no less. She lasted less then a week before she found herself texting him again asking if they could just keep the sex. Other then the obvious question this brings up, i.e., why are we texting him this kind of info, if the relationship didn’t make the sex and the sex didn’t make the relationship – then maybe sex is just an act.

However in my world, this is just a shade of gray that I have no interest in understanding. In case you haven’t figured it out - my answer is that the relationship makes the sex. It’s not about getting into bed quickly – just so you can rate the sexual chemistry…because your thought is why tolerate the relationship if the sex is bad. Chemistry isn’t always about instantaneous combustion – sometimes it is a work in progress. if the relationship is right – then there is no question that the sex will be great as well. In MY world we have,

Jack and Jill sitting in a tree,
T-A-L-K-I-N-G
1st comes getting to know each other
Then comes more getting to know each other more
Then comes the feel (and I don’t mean the cheap kind, if you don’t know what I mean then you may want a new relationship)