sometimes in life you should let the ice cream truck pass you by….

facebook n. a publication for an organization, such as a school or business, which helps members identify each other; also, an online version of this, with profiles including a picture, name, birthdate, interests, etc.

….and that is what I wish I did when I got the invite to join Facebook. I really blame the whole thing on my curly haired recently engaged former work colleague who decided to send me the invite. But before I get fully embroiled in my rant I do have to point out that I was really surprised to find that there was actually a definition for Facebook in the dictionary dating back to 2004. And as a side note, the incredibility of the whole thing led me to see if “ FTLOG” was defined in the dictionary….and clearly the lesson I learned is - I should have had the word patented.

Okay back to Facebook, I was pretty hesitant about joining Facebook – not quite sure what it was but decided why not. Not one of my smarter decisions. So not only did I join but I pushed some magic button and all of my email contacts suddenly became my “friends” on Facebook. We think twice about entering our credit card information into a portal but think nothing of putting our name, birthday, address, phone number and place of employment on the web for anyone to see. Oh wait that information is restricted – well I’m sure that will keep the bad people out.

By the way - how do some people have over 100 friends?? I just don’t buy it. Is it a status thing? Oh no, I only have 10 friends, I better add my entire grade 3 class who I haven’t spoken to since 1983, that way I’ll have 15 more friends (class sizes were much smaller in the 80’s) and ohhhh let me start a group called “East York Ghettoland” that should get me a few more….hmmm I wonder where Tara is now – but I digress.

Anyhoo – I’ve been on Facebook since the beginning of April and have been pretty cautious; e.g., I have not displayed my high school or university name because really – if I haven’t kept in contact with you then chances are - well I don’t really want to. Although I have to admit – that isn’t quite true. Over the last few weeks I have been wavering in thinking that perhaps I should “poke” (Facebook lingo…you know how that it is)…anyways I should poke a few people that I wouldn’t mind hooking up with. But other then the obligatory “hey how have the last 15 years been?” what more is there to say?

So the point is – I became deranged and decided to add both my high school and university name to my profile. I mean - what the hell – what’s the worst that could happen?

Well at 11pm that night I found out. I see an email come in and I quickly go to log onto Facebook because god knows what important message could be waiting for me. Oh wait I am already logged onto Facebook (since I am slowly becoming an addict) so no need to sign in…great that saves me 5 seconds and brings me that much closer to the coveted email.

I read the email and I think WTF. It is from someone that I once knew and I use the term “knew” very very loosely. Let’s say - someone I used to drink with – why I have no idea, even then I had no idea why and I was perfectly content never speaking, seeing or hearing from him ever again. But is life ever that easy?

This guy can be nice but has the tendency to creep people out – just what one should look for in a drinking buddy. And that was probably because most of the time he was drunk and his beady little eyes were always slightly glazed over trying to focus but never quite making it there. Oh and he was always trying to bed my friend – yuck. I think he was generally harmless (can you believe I just said that) - but could one really be sure? My professional assessment would be that he is not as confident as he would have others to believe so he puts on this bravado – but the question is – how does this really affect me? I’m not here to rehabilitate him.

Anyways – I see the email come in, I read it and it gives me the heebie-jeebies. It reads:

Where is XXXXX....I still want to bang her, even after 10 years...

WTF. That email should make me run very fast in the other direction but the sad part is that I’m not sure I can give up Facebook or even if I want to give it up. So I am bound by a moral obligation to save the non-believers by saying fight the power and DO NOT succumb to Facebook - just because the creators were once a part of Harvard – that makes them smart – not us for joining.

I have nothing more to say other then I should have let this one go…but noooo now I have to go to a therapist in order to extract myself from the world of Facebook. Problem is that I have taken an early retirement – so who’s going to foot that bill? Wonder if I can find that old friend, you know the one who had some extra cash back in the day…hmmm I wonder if I can find him on Facebook….gotta go…